too much horror business...

i just watched a few videos of horror show, i saw some from the recent show they just played and one i found online of their last show in 2005..while watching these videos i found myself smiling and giggling about it, watching these kids run around on stage, and then kids jumping all over the place and all over each other, really brought me back to so many shows ive seen. ive been to so many hardcore shows its bananas. i feel like its totally different now, but its not at all, its exactly the same as it was 10 years ago, and even 20 years ago, its all the same. kids expressing themselves through bad music and emo lyrics and running around like chicken with their heads cut off, its a release, its therapy, its amazing.

watching those videos really made me remember where i came from, and who i knew and all ive seen. i have seen so much shit, and done so much its incredible im still alive, and never been arrested for it all (knock on wood) some stuff ive seen i couldnt tell the story and have a normal person believe that that kind of stuff actually happens, and also that its a real story and even worse than i actually witnessed it. there was a point in my life where i needed to get away from that whole scene, from those people, from that vibe. i somehow took myself way out of it, (well i guess moving 3000 miles away kind of helps with that huh?) and somewhere thought id never really look back, or care, like i was so past it, so above it or something..but in reality i miss it. i miss the community of it, i miss knowing most people when you go to a show, i miss being vip's at american nightmare shows and getting to hang out backstage while hundreds of kids are awaiting this band, my friends to get on stage and fucking play their asses off. i miss traveling for these shows, and going to new places and automatically being liked because i was from philly and with this band. it was exciting and i dont think i ever viewed it as that when i was in it. i was always worried about what was happening and how to afford everything and how to just live life. i mean i was always there in way, but i was never fully present like how i am today. i regret not having the knowledge to stay present through those important years of my life, and sometimes im glad i wasnt, because how would i have survived if i actually knew what was going on at all times, i would lose it. i was never a bad kid, i never wanted to do anything bad, or talk bad, or act bad, but here i was stuck dead in the middle of bad. i do wonder what type of karma im going to have from some of the stuff ive done during my "bad" phase. i guess i just hope that i turned over my new leaf in enough time to make up for it in this life, so i dont have to bring it over with me.

i had an interesting situation happen at work today and im quite proud of the outcome. i got into a bit of a tiff with one of my co-workers because of the music. now i work with these people all the time and we listen to the same old music all the time, and today i just had enough. i made comments, jokes, i even put my headphones on. i was over it. i knew it was gonna come to a head at some point and i guess today it did. i got into with the person whos ipod it was and we were yelling back and fourth about whos more selfish with the music, and how nobody cares but me about it and im always saying something about it and never doing anything about it, and my responses were like well you dont like when i put my music on, etc etc etc. you get the gist. so i was fucking livid mad, like seriously so mad, so mad i havent been mad in soooo fucking long i was pissed. i didnt like the feeling of getting chumped what so ever (i have this in me due to my "bad" phase btw) so i sat there fuming mad, just an asshole and everyone around me kept making it worse and worse, and i just got madder and madder, it was nuts..then all of a sudden i imagined what i must look like to everyone, i essentially got a mirror thrown directly in front of my face and i hated it. all of a sudden i went fuck this, i am not letting anyone bring me down and make me have a bad day, fuck that, fuck that fuck that!! so i just all of sudden switched to happy. fuck him, fuck the music, fuck these people, none of it matters enough to ruin my day..so immediately i was cool and calm and collected. during break i went to him and made a truce and said sorry and so did he. it was so easy to get mad and frustrated, but it was just as easy to get over it and move on.yet again forgiveness comes into play and makes everything better!! im convinced forgiveness is a super hero. it seriously has changed my life so drastically its incredible. it was nice to have that happen and see that work itself out. i was really proud of myself and the way i handled it. an apology always helps too, even if you think they dont think about it, they do. everyone does at some point and an apology will help cut down on the thought process and the analyze of the situation. once there is a sorry nobody is mad anymore, ther eis no reason to dig deep and talk shit and get frustrated all over again, a sorry squashes it just like magic!

ok im starting to get soo sleepy and tipped out. but i miss josh and stoney a lot. watching josh in that one video really freaked me and out and made me feel really bad for nicky. it must have been so hard to go on stage with a new band and play those songs they wrote together. and you could feel his disconnect from the show altogether, he wasnt there, he was just going through the motions to get through the whole thing, im not surprised at all that he threw up afterwards. he needed to get back into his body. its so sad, it thought about what if jenni died and i had to watch videos of us, it would be so horribly painful, but so nice at the same time. i just want to go home and hug everyone i care about. i live too far away :(