every little thing..

is gonna be alright..or so i hope so.

im in mass confusion mode. i cant seem to know if i should be following my mind or my heart. i really feel im being torn in two directions and i know i need to make a decision and go with it. its time to be the captain of my own life and just go for one or the other or none. this whole stan thing has got me threw a loop, because i decided that we had something special and to keep it that way and not force anything else out of this, and how arent really compatible and the whole age thing is there, but i am sooo into him and how he made me feel, its totally a drug type of addiction that i need to not give into like cigarettes or something. im meeting up with him on wednesday for dinner which is good that we will be in a public place and wont be able to be all over each other, and get to just converse a bit. but i know im gonna be like butter when i am around him. he does something to my body i cant describe. its like electric when he even talks to me. i just am so attracted to him its wild. it actually is making things hard for me with other dudes because all i want is the feeling i have with stan, which i know i cant get from anyone else. he is magic to me.

my friend john and i have been hanging out for a while, and in this blog i know i have mentioned this whole idea of him. and something keeps telling me that i need to be with him, but i dont want to at the same time. i had several chances tonight to kiss him or to say something about our attraction to one another, but i couldnt bring myself to do any of it. i kept hoping he wouldnt bring it up to me either, because i knew i couldnt deal with it yet. i dont know what it is, im not in any rush or anything but i just dont really see how i will change my mind on this one. its even harder right now because he is totally up against stan which is hard for anyone to compete with. what a decision to make, but do i even have to make one yet? cant i just hang out with both of them then decide at some later point? hahahahaha no way, even as i was typing that i was yelling at myself at why put myself and those two threw such jagged emotion because i cant make up my mind, but i already have pretty much. i know i cant be with stan and should be with john. i may just not choose either. its definitely not going to be that easy, i know that for sure. i need to keep a clear head and make educated decisions at the time i need to make them. one of my fears is that at dinner stan will say something along the lines of, i really thought about the other night and im so sorry i will never be like that again, it opened my eyes to so much, blah blah blah where i will fall right back in, and i know i shouldnt, but then again why not if he were to say that stuff? see my peril?? fuck!!! but honestly there is a very good chance we will both say this isnt going to work out, but lets try to stay friends. who knows i wont know until wednesday and i look forward to seeing what happens. i need to go to sleep now. goodnight. xo