woe is me..

I feel crazy as fuck lately. I am so annoyed with myself. I was so hyped up and pumped for moving and for this new potential of love that could have been coming my way, and now I am back to old lazy me who wastes away. I have been drinking, fucking, smoking weed, smoking cigs, I am a hot fucking mess and a half. What happened to me? Why does this shit always happen? I feel like I have all these great ideas, ideals, goals, etc and then I always go against them at some point. I can't even keep myself on a proper eating schedule. I was asking myself if it was because of where I live, and it allows me to stay in this perpetual state of nothingness or if its just me. I think its both honestly. I think I have a tendency to be lazy and lay on my couch all day long and not do anything but watch tv and smoke weed, but I also think its because of where I live. I live 20 minutes from anything at all. I have to drive to do something. It would be way different if I lived in a city where I could run out on the street and go to the gym, or get some food, or even walk my dog. I think living in a place like this is for married people. Or at least someone in a relationship.

Which speaking of, is never gonna happen for me if I keep just fucking people. I know this to be true, I promise I do, but sometimes I don't give a fuck. I just wanna make out or get laid, but the funny thing is its never good. Never. Its always so empty and filled with nothingness. I feel like shit and empty afterwards, every single time. But I keep going back for more. Its like I'm punishing myself over and over again. Do I think I am not worth more? Why am I so scared of a real relationship? I sometimes wonder if I do or if I just haven't met one single person worth it. Can that even be possible? Have I just had the worst luck over the past 6 years? I have yet to meet a man thats dateable? It seems highly unlikely. It seems like I am the one who is undatable. FUCK! I am going to be 32 very soon, and I never have had a real relationship. What does that say about me? This is starting to be depressing. Dominic was my only real relationship, but that wasn't even real, real. I was 16, clueless and he was more like a parent who helped me out more than anything. How am I ever gonna let someone in enough to be my boyfriend? How is that even going to happen? I seriously can not imagine it. Does it just happen? Will it just be natural and all these weird things about myself will just melt away? I sure hope so.

I think I have been drinking and all this shit because I am processing. I am making a really huge move, and a huge change. It is coming to me, and I honestly don't know how to act or feel. This is huge, huge, huge, humungous! This place I live right now, may suck and I don't like how I feel but its home. Its the first home I've had where I felt safe and like it was all mine. It feels like home in this house. Its all me, and has been and always will be. Nowhere else has had this feeling. Its always been with someone else, or roommates, or whatever, never just mine. Its safe, its my cocoon. I've learned and grown here, and really come into myself here. When I leave I am leaving a lot behind here. I am scared. I am scared to get a real job, and work full time and be broke and live a shitty life. But I am scared to keep living this life as well. This isn't getting me anywhere, I am drowning. There is no security, there is no guarantee of money to come my way. I have a lot of money in products right now, but literally have 27 dollars to my name. I have yet to pay rent, or any of my bills. This always happens to me, I can't blame the industry as much as I should blame myself. I get money, but I spend money too. I am broke because I bought a plane ticket to go home for christmas for 555 dollars. I could not be here for christmas again, I just couldn't mentally handle it. I knew I would lose my mind if I had to spend a Fifth christmas in this place. I cried so much last year, I hate it here, especially during the holidays. I want to be home with my family and friends.

Thats the other thing I am trying to figure out. I want to move to New York City. It makes the most sense, but I am fucking scared. Its a scary city to live in, a lot of crime and mean ass people. I hear of bad shit happening all the time there. So then I think of LA and it seems nicer and prettier and warmer and happier in many ways. But I am still 3000 miles away from home. The flip side is, its cheaper to fly to Philly from LA. I could go home more often, probably for as much as my train ticket would cost from NY. There is the shadow of Nikole though. I don't know if I can deal with living like that. Under her thumb per se. I had thoughts the other day of how this is all in my head and how I can choose not to be under her. How I can live my own life, and make my own friends and not fall into her trap. In reality thats silly and isnt going to happen. I will end up spending most of my time with her, but why does that bother me? She is one of my best friends and has known me forever. HA! Maybe thats why. Maybe I don't want the old me to be known. I am the new me and I want her to shine, and not be held back by my old ways.

fuck.