i had the craziest night last night and i cant decide how i feel about it. there is a part of me that doesnt care, and the other part of me does. why do i ever care too much about sex? why do i feel like i need to not do it? i want to fuck sometimes and i find myself to be a very sexual person but when im in the situation i feel myself not wanting it the way i dream of it, or whatever. i dont know if its because all these people are one night stands or people i just met and there is no connection. but i have been so fucking horny lately its been since november since ive had sex which isnt really that long, but i was going kinda nutso lately for it, and my friend hooked me up with his friend.
so i went on this blind date that i got set up on. i wasnt really sure if i should do it or not, but i decided to just go with it. its time to do things different i my motto for 2011. i always do things the same way and i dont want to anymore. i want to try something new and see if i get any new results. so anyways we decided to go bowling thinking it would be a good ice breaker and indeed it was. so i pick him up and automatically im like ehh no thanks, but then i realized he was really cute and had a nice body. so we go bowling and half way through he kisses me and then it was kind of on from there. we bowled and met these people around us. we decided to go outside and had an intense make out session, it was so fucking hot. so i was ready and wanting to fuck for sure. so the night continues and we run into a few of his friends. one of them happens to be this hot ass girl, who is totally flirting with me and keeps talking about taking me home and everything. i thought she was joking, but it was fun, then we went to the bathroom and made out. it was hot. i kind of wanted to go home with her instead, but i didnt, i went home with adam.
we get to his house and take off our clothes immediately and then im not into it anymore. it was rough and it hurt and i wasnt feeling it at all, i actually started to cry a little bit. it felt like i was being raped in some weird way, and didnt know how to stop it. which happens to me a lot actually, i usually feel not into it once its happening and just kind of wait for it to be over. so i stopped him and kinda just laid there and said i felt dizzy. we then were laying all sweet and he was being so nice to me and we started kissing all slow and it was awesome so then we ended up having super nice sex for a long ass time he took forever to cum, which i later found out he took a vicotin which explained a lot. supposedly my friend who hooked us up, said hey my friend needs to get laid, take the pill so you can last longer. it made me feel weird, but whatever. i dont see a future with this dude at all. hes 27 and smokes and does drugs. 3 of my no nos.
anyway the issue at hand here is how weird i get with sex and how i semi have panic attacks in these situations. i kinda feel like i shoudl go to therapy for it. there is some underlying issue i have with sex. i dont recall being abused ever, but maybe i was at some point either in this life or another one, and its carrying over. i need to deal with this. i always blew it off and decided it would all be okay when i get a boyfriend. but how the fuck am i ever gonna get a boyfriend? its not magically gonna happen where i feel extra comfortable and all this shit is gonna go away its not. i need to deal with it somehow.
also is it weird that i wanna hang out with that dude again? even when i know its not going anywhere? isnt that what dating is?
fuck.
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