help me in my weakness..

cause im falling out of grace....


i feel so weird now after my weird sexual experience. that dude never texted me back all day and when he finally did at like 11 it was 2 words. what the fuck. my friend told me she thinks its because i left him at 4am and it hurt his ego, which helps me a little but not really. i dont see why i care so much really. i know that was gonna go nowhere, but i guess i feel some sort of rejection and it makes me nuts. why do i always put so much on people and myself? i wish i could just be chill and see things for what they really are. he went out with me to fuck me and that was it. all the shit in between was just him playing along with the game of it all. i wish i was in this game with him. the funny thing is i thought i was in some ways. i went along with all the craziness and just go with it, i didnt realize i was gonna get some weird attachment. but how can you not when it comes to sex? you share your body and your vulnerability with someone and then never see them again, its weird. anyway i should really learn from these situations because they pop up all the time and its the same every single time. i get horny, wanna bang someone, so i go out and do that and then feel empty and extreme loneliness. i usually feel 10 times lonelier than i did before i went out to find the dude. this has been going on for years and i would like it to stop, i guess im the only one to do so. maybe that will be my resolution for 32, to stop randomly fucking people and wait to do that even if i really want to. ive been told to do that for over 7 years now, its time for this cycle to end and for me to make the changes that i need. nobody else can help me now, its all about my will power and my will to change these situations i find myself in. i will never find the right guy if i keep fucking the wrong ones.

i am making a lot of changes in my 32nd year. i really want to stop smoking so much weed and stop laying on the couch and watching television. i do believe these things are due to my lack of work and challenges. i dont have to do anything weekly except go to work at the radio on thursdays. it makes me lazy and not do shit. the last few days i havent even really left the house, i sit on the couch and watch tv, smoke weed and take naps. i literally hate it. but i continue to do it anyways. what is happening to me? who am i? ugh. i am the only one who can change any of this. i guess its time to do so.


hey now baby, im beginning to see the light...