are you still keeping time...

in the back of your mind?

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

i seriously have watched 2 discs of greys today alone. i have laid in my bed on my laptop and watched season 3 of greys anatomy. what the fuck is wrong with me? i already saw these episodes but they are keeping me locked in and depressed and fuck. i am so fucking depressed. i looked at my calender to see what i was doing last year at this time, and it was the same exact thing. i wonder if my birthday brings all this up for me. like if every year that passes and i dont change my life if when my birthday comes around i just freak out and hate everything. i dont even hate stuff i just dont know what to do anymore. i constantly try and try to change certain things in my life and it never seems to work. what am i doing wrong? am i not doing the right thing or am i just getting caught up in life and forgetting. i am in this karma class and we are learning over and over again that the universe keeps bringing us back to the same point and doing the same thing over and over and over until we do something about it and switch it up. thats why the same problems constantly nag us. this depression is weird though cause i dont know what it is. is it the weed? duh of course i need to stop smoking so much weed, and i cant seem to find the balance in that. i remember last year when i stopped drinking so heavily and stopped smoking for a while it really made a difference in my life. i am feeling the pull to do that again. i know that i need to quit full time, but thats so daunting of a task. i love weed and i love smoking it, but just not every day. ugh i actually am bored of hearing myself talk about this topic. i say the same shit over and over again and i fucking hate it. i know i am in control, its all up to me to change these things. i also know i maybe super emotional right now due to pms.fuck this.