I AM MINE!

I am falling with no one to catch me....

I am feeling crazy lately. Life is kinda sucking in many ways, but oddly enough i know this isnt going to last and that i will be okay. i know it will work out, i know it will be okay, i know i know i know. but fuck man. fuck. this waiting and wondering is crazy. i have to be out of my house, my nest, my special place in the woods on the 24th, which is less than 20 days away and i havent done shit, literally shit to pack. i cant. i try to want to do it and i cant do it. i look at the stuff and just look at it and lay there. today i literally did nothing. not a thing. i laid on the couch and watched tv. i took a nap and watched more tv. i caught up on some shows, but mostly just watched baseball. i couldnt do anything else. the only good thing is i kinda fasted today which ruled. i only ate fruits and veggies until dinner time which i ate a piece of salmon and a bit of brown rice. i am kinda starving now, but its okay. i need to cleanse and lose some weight. im gonna do it tomorrow too. if i can lose 3-5 pounds i would be happy. it would be a start. its weird how i feel skinnier already. thats how it works for me. i need to see some sort of change and it makes me work harder. if i dont see anything i give up.

tyler and i had a really bad argument last night. I honestly dont even know how it happened, but i felt it coming. it all started when he suggested to pick me up, i had a bad feeling about it especially since we were planning on sleeping at his house. i dont like that feeling of being stuck. never had never will. Next time i will not let something like that happen. anyways so we go to dinner and hes had a busy day and i can tell his energy is weird but i figured he would chill out a bit once we got to dinner. which he kinda did, but there was this weirdness still. so we have dinner and are chatting about nonsense and i mentioned that wedding i went to and how i ran into my friend bryan who is also one of my bosses and how we got to chatting and hung out for a while and it was cool. it was cool because we never really had a chance to actually hang out and it was fun. then there was silence and i had moved on from there, and i asked him what he was thinking about cause he looked weird. he then said "i am thinking about how jealous i am of that story you just told me" i responded by, oh really? come on dont you feel secure with me? and thats when the shit hit the fan. he lost it about how i am moving and how could we be secure about anything and got this terrible tone in his voice and this look in his eye that made me sick. this has happened twice before but this time i wasnt fucking taking it. i straight up told him to not talk to me that like that and i dont deserve any of this shit due to his fucking insecurity. i was really proud of myself for standing up for myself, which oddly enough ive never done with dudes. it was empowering and great and i will not take any dudes shit again.

Ok so then we kinda figure that whole thing out about the voice and tone and he accepts that he was wrong and even starts to cry a bit. i hugged him and moved on. then i was thinking about it and realized if he is upset about me hanging out with my boss then what is he gonna do when im in LA? so i bring it up and it starts a whole other war. he kept asking me why i even told him that, etc etc. it was nasty and i was fucking pissed. he was kinda drunk and it sucked. we eventually made up kinda of. i didnt know what else to do but let it go until i had more time to think. we go to bed kiss a little and then pass out. the middle of the night we wake up and have sex, he fucking cums inside me and it automatically put me in a bad mood. its one thing to do that when im on my period, but fuck man fuck. i still think i am okay, but its scary and stupid. so i have a terrible sleep, i HATE his dog so fucking much. Makes the worst noises ive ever heard. so i wake up and hes trying to cuddle and i just go, umm can i go home? we get in the car and i dont say a peep. he drops me off and i give him a peck on the lips and tell him good luck on his drive and go in my house. as i shut the door i said im done. im fucking done.

As the day has gone on though i dont feel done. its so weird how fucking mad i was and how i hated him so much and somehow still want to see him. i dont know why. i know this shit isnt going to last at all. but i am still here for a few weeks and it would be nice to have someone help me move and have sex with. right? or am i an asshole? god i wish i knew. either way i know we will be done sooner than later. hes not the one for me at all.