What's my name...

I dont know. I feel like I am semi spiraling out again about my life. I have no goal, no purpose, no nothing. I mean I guess trying to move i a goal, but I am not even putting 100 percent into that. I yet again am letting life pass me by and doing nothing about it. I get so jealous of all these people actually doing something with their lives. The worst part is that I know I could be doing something too, but I constantly make excuses. Like well i cant do it here in Humboldt, there is nothing to do. This place doesn't have what I need, etc etc. But it does. I can create a DJ night for myself here and probably have it turn out semi ok. I was on a great path, until Nikole hit me up and told me I could move to LA, which just put a wrench in everything and kinda stopped my progress, i shouldnt have let that happen. I should have been like ok cool and kept doing me, until something actually happened, but instead here we are 3 weeks later and I am in inertia. I am aware that I have the power to fix this, I guess I just dont ever do it, or have the will power to do it. I decided that on the new moon, which was Friday that I would take my break, my month long break away from drinking and smoking weed, among other things. Last night I went out and i wasnt drinking at all, until later I got a whiskey and i didnt even want it, I just wanted to fit in kind of. It sucked, I wished i didnt do that. I just dont have the drive for anything these days. I seriously lay around the house in my robe and watch tv for hours on end. I didnt even smoke weed or eat weed or nothing yesterday and I watched 4 hours worth of Greys, and honestly it was on my agenda for today too. What can I do? How do I stop this insanity? the real answer is to just do it. but do what? what can i possibly do that will fulfil me? i feel like i was in such a good place recently, right before Kole called with that moving nonsense. I had a goal, to move to Arcata and find a job, it was all i thought about and talked about, it was all i wanted, until that fateful phone call. then BAM! nothing is happening. I may not even be moving there, and I wont know until i know. Its unfair and horrible. People tell me I should pack up and clean the house in preparation, but then I will be living amongst boxes and shit and I dont want that. My book shelf is packed up and sitting in the corner and I already hate it. I almost unpacked it the other day.

Overall i am still craving change, I need it and want it. I am living this weird life and I am ultimately not happy in it. I go through periods where i do stuff or hang out with people and feel okay about it, but when all is said and done, i am lonely and depressed. I hope this cleanse I am doing not only helps me lose those extra 5 pounds i put on, but also helps clear my mind and help me figure out what to do next.