change thrown into the tollbooth

so ive been in LA for a week now. its kinda cool, kinda weird. everyday i feel differently about it. i feel like i like it here enough but really not so much. the weather is nice there is a lot to do, but what am i going to do? i have spent most of my time in my room hiding out or sleeping. i go out for maybe a bit then i dream of retreating to my room and hoping that nobody is home so that i can be alone. im unsure of my happiness with this move. i know that i couldnt nor can i go back to humboldt. that is out of the question. but can i stay here? im not so sure. i need a purpose still, and these wellness counselor classes seems to be right up my alley. i know i am being too hard on myself about being here, its been a week. i need to stop beating myself up. i am doing great with how i am acting and who i am spending my time with and finding balance, i am proud of myself for that stuff, but overall i dont know if my location was my problem. well i mean it was part of the problem, but overall with my happiness level and career choices im not sure location was it. i still feel directionless and scared and confused and want all these great things in my life, but yet arent doing anything to get them. when will it stop? when will i be happy enough to stop worrying and just spent my time doing something? when it comes to me? how will this happen? i know i need faith, i know i do. i have it. faith that it will all work itself out and i will be ok. i just need to keep the dream alive and well and keep myself on a path of healing, happiness and love. constantly.

speaking of love, tyler has been on my mind a lot lately, but its weird i think of him fondly but when i think of actually seeing him it freaks me out. i dont want anything to do with him like that anymore, or at least i think so. its like my body innately knows hes not right, but hes pretty damn close to right. all these other guys and situations seem okay but none of them are worth it. i dream of cuddling and kissing people ive met here, but in reality i dont want that. its just so weird i am in such a weird place in general. so much change happening at once, and emerging and growing and sadness mixed with happiness its so fucking weird. i cant believe something that ive wanted to bad could be so hard to do when i got it.

fuck i cant imagine living in humboldt again, i really cant. i guess im just having a sad day.