I woke up this morning feeling really grumpy and i dont know why. i feel sort of depressed in a way, but have absolutely no reason to feel this way. i feel like my life is going pretty good, and headed in a positive way, my future is bright, my plans are gonna be okay. I just feel weird. i woke up knowing my car is dying, which sucks. i could feel it last night. it pretty much told me its on its last leg. time is coming for it to die and leave me. i need to do something about that. it just scares me because i cant afford a new car or a car payment, but i know i will have to figure it out. i wont get approved on my own for a loan, and my parents most likely wont co sign for me. i really need them to cosign for an apartment more than a car. i just need their help, and maybe i can convince them that i can do this, and i just need these two financial things from them. which neither are actually asking for cash or any money at all, just their good name. i guess there is no need to worry about it because it hasnt happened yet, but its on its way.
i also think im starting to realize i have to go back to humboldt in a few days which is totally freaking me out. its crazy how 1 month can change your whole life. last month at this time i was preparing to leave that place and know it was the thing for me to do, i was scared and nervous and ready. i feel the opposite of going back up there. i feel mad, upset, broke, confused and annoyed that i need to go backwards. i know that this is the best thing i could do though. i dont have anywhere to go here and no money to do it so i need to go up there and make money. its time to work my ass off. i have motivation to do this move to LA. i know what is here for me, i know that this is the place for me. i know my future is just starting, and this is just a bump in the road. when i get up there i cant be depressed or lazy, i need to work out and get my shit in shape and work hard and make a shit ton of money. if i can make some good loot, i can get a car and move here and just have to work hard. it will be kinda hard to find a job, but i also havent been looking at all. so i dont really know, but i have met and already know enough people that maybe i can work and make some loot. i think its going to be okay. patience is needed.
oddly enough i am kind of excited to go back to humboldt for certain things. i have been talking to tyler a bit and we are gonna hang out when im there. we will yet again have a small amount of time together and this time i have no misconceptions of what will happen between us. i know that this is just sex and why not enjoy myself for a time where i will be a place i dont really like? i will be working so much anyways, so it will be good to be at least getting laid. when i went to the psychic here she told me i can do what i want with him because it doesnt matter either way, which rules. it made me feel better about it. where as before i felt like maybe i was leading him or even me on. the thing im scared about is the original magic, will it still be there? has the time and space changed us too much? i guess i will see when i hang out with him.
fuck i am not looking forward to driving 12 hours in a few days.
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