confusion

i feel so fucking confused right now. i went to hang out with butter today and i went to go work with him, which was super cool and fun and awkward at certain points so we sat there and listened to music, and he got high and quiet and it was cool, i just went with it, tried to not feel weird in the uncomfortable silence, tried to play it cool and act normal, but i just felt weird. then after we were done working he was all huggy on me and stuff, but never really went in for the kiss or anything..so i just yet again went with it all, i mean it was really only the second time we hung out. so then hes like wanna trade massages? and i was like ok, so he laid down and gave me oil to use, and i massaged him and we talked and it was fun, but then it was my turn, and i felt uncomfortableish, but i took my shirt off, and i only felt weird cause i thought i looked fat and hes uber skinny! but he massaged me and then i was like do you wanna cuddle? and hes like yes, so we laid for a minute and then started kissing, and yet again it was super weird. but then i kinda got into it. and i was all kissing and rubbing on him and it was like he was scared or something, didnt really seem into it, then tried to feel into my panties and i had to tell him i had my period and he was like "blood sex? i got towels" i just ignored him and kept kissing and then he was super not into it anymore, i guess when he realized he wasnt getting any. i said "humm didnt know making out with me was so boring" and his response was " well its hard when i get all worked up sexually and dont get to let it out, it hurts" and then said his stomach hurt. and it was pretty much over, and supppperrrr weird. like super weird, like we barely said a few words to each other. then had to go meet up with tib, her bf and our friend rob at sushi..the ride there was weird, and when we got there it was awkward with everyone, cause it was the first time we showed up anywhere together and butter is gregs best friend, so there is that. it was weird for a few minutes, then got chill..and he was all cute with me, and acting like my bf again and everything..and we are walking and hes with me and we get in my car and drive to his house, and im like okay door to door service, being all nice and hes like your not coming in???? all confused looking, and im like i cant i gotta go home for sofia and i got work in the morning, and he yet again got all weird and just got out of the car, with a hug and no kiss. sooo fucking weird! hes like mixed signals king!! i feel like hes just trying to fuck me maybe, i dunno. its weird cause a lot of me feels like this aint going anywhere, but a part of me likes him.

he totally is a mix between matt g, and thomas from the bars and spicolli from that 80s movie..very strange..even stranger, he acts like matt g, just a grown up version whos skinner and surfs. he kinda dresses like him and makes the same faces, and has the same mannerisms. is that why i like him? it reminds me of a comfortable relationship? or is it why i feel weird and rejected all the time? it is too close to home? is it bringing back weird shit? and then i think about it and i wonder what i would think if i was stoned, cause he is the whole time, would i get it more? would i not feel so off from him cause of it? i guess i wont know until 22 more days..i decided to smoke on friday when i go see alice in wonderland in 3d with him and greg. we made these plans already, so i guess i will see if he calls me or not after tonight.

i am in this weird position where i want to respect myself and be like fuck this, i deserve more, but then again i think about it and its not like i plan on dating him forever nor do i think this is going anywhere, so why not just have someone to hang out with and fuck? why not just have someone to do that with? and just feel weird and bounce when im over it? cant i do that? dont people do that all the time? but then i think about it and ive come so far in finding what i want and what i need that wouldnt i be disrespecting myself? but wouldnt it be cool if i went in knowing this and kinda playing him first? or letting us both kinda use each other? i mean his friend greg was all talking about being a 3rd wheel with us and shit when tib goes to india, so i have no idea what hes told them. i just feel soooo confused about tonight.

i guess im just gonna wait and see...