you know your better off without it..

fuck man i think i gotta stop hanging out with butter. i think i cant do this anymore. i think i am over reacting as well, but i cant be feeling so weird all the time. i tried to hang out iwth him last night and he didnt want to, which is my last ditch attempt. im done trying and putting myself out there for him to make me feel weird. tib told me she knows he likes me and that he is just weird and very hot and cold all the time and kinda stuck in his own brain a lot and i found myself being so much like a little lost puppy hoping and hanging on every word all the time and then after he dissed me last night i woke up. i dont chase boys around anymore, thats the old me. i think it was a good distraction from bobby. i still havent dealt with that issue either. i really need to but i dont even know what to say, i feel like im putting it off so much cause i dont know what i think or feel. at all! nothing i know nothing. do i want him in my life? sometimes i feel like i do. i feel so confused about him. i guess part of me was hoping this cleanse would help me figure things out in that way by being clean and sober to see what my real feelings are, but the weird thing is im not talking to him at all, so i cant feel anything but weirdness. my dream told me last night that i know everything i need to know already. i feel sick thinking about all of this.

i did my medicine cards last night which are pretty much native american tarot cards, and i pulled the owl upside down, which meant that im being deceived by someone or myself in a new venture or relationship..at first i thought about butter and how i feel like hes playing me, and then i thought about bobby and maybe i tricked myself into liking him, or maybe am tricking myself into not liking him. and if i know all the answers already why am i so confused? i am trying to just have faith that i know all the answers already and just have to wait until they come to the surface. there is some weird part of me that thinks i am meant to be with butter, and when i think that i think to myself i have no real basis for that, except for the fact that he matches my energy levels and dresses good, and has the great way of thinking and it just fits me and how i want someone to think..then i go over to bobby who is so inverted and i feel so much pressure from him al the time for his happiness and shit, but then part of me feels like i made that up. fuck im so confused. im talking to bobby now and hes like i have all this stuff to say to you thats pretty heavy so call me when you feel like you can hear me and its gonna be a lot for you, i dont get it.

as the great beach boys told me..."i know theres an answer, but i had to find it for myself"