..give me one more chance...

i didnt sleep so well last night, when nikole and george are here its kind of hard, it took a while for sofia to get over ever single noise and realizing its them in the living room. but george wakes up a lot and so does roscoe and every time they do, i do. so i was up at 5 till like 7..i had some weird dreams too, i keep dreaming about the weirdest shit lately i wish i knew what they were but i know when i wake up i go woah, weird.

i realized too that i got my hand in a few men cookie jars, its kinda funny. then i thought about the list of dudes ive lead on and how there are so many dudes who have fallen for me and i just bounce out of their lives. its all my fault in a way, i lead them to like to. i share myself with them and then i get freaked out and bounce allllll the time. i do it all the time. it really makes me not want to hang out with dudes anymore, cause im like poison to them. fall for me and your guaranteed to get your heart broken or at least your ego bruised. ugh i really do think its time for me to pull back from them all and just do my thing and not let anyone in too too much, until i know for sure. i need to not be like the old me with dudes, i need to learn to let myself feel love and give it, and accept it all together. its a lot of deep down shit that i think may be from past lives too, i realized i should sit down and meditate on that shit and figure it out and try to let it go. if i dont accomplish this i will be alone forever and i dont want to do that! i want to feel love and be okay with it. i want to be able to accept that fact that i can be loved for real, and that they wont get bored of me one day, and that i will be loved for who i am in full. i cant keep pushing people away forever. i cant!

ok rip big.