you change all the lead...

sleeping in my head to gold..

.all this change is coming about these days and i really feel like its all so good. i did something today that surprised myself, and it was awesome. i have been working on this project where im putting music into this computer system and i got a huge stack of papers with artists and songs and what cds they are on when i first started. i have been hammering away at it and today i was close to the end, but when 5 o clock rolled around i had 2 more cds to do, which was about 19 songs. i knew it would take at least an hour to do these, but i decided to stay and do it. i worked an extra hour and a half today on my own free will my boss even told me i could leave it till i come back again..but i stayed and i was so glad i did. i thought about how tomorrow when he comes in and sees it on his desk he will be impressed. it shows my character and my willingness to work. its so weird ive never really felt like this about any job. i really feel like part of the family already, and i wonder if im crazy for thinking that or not, but i just feel accepted. people are nice and seem to like me, and crack jokes with me and everything. and i really really respect my one boss, he is just one of the coolest dudes ive met in a long time who has an awesome job and is important and has his shit together and just is still super cool to everyone. he never seems annoyed or frustrated with me, and seems to think i have something to offer. he takes the time to show me things and explain things and gives me the space to do my own thing and helps. its just awesome. hes totally my new mentor. i want to learn everything i can from him.

so i was reading this thing from carl jung about darkness and shadow and its really interesting. it is pretty much saying that all of us have a shadow deep down inside us and it comes out a lot and we dont even notice it. like when someone says yo you act like a bitch, or why are you weird around this or that, its our shadow that comes out. also qualities in other people we dont like are things we dont like about ourselves. i super relate to this, this idea was shown to me a while ago and i notice it now. when i get annoyed with someone or i just straight dont like them i try to think about why and its some part of something about myself. its crazy how connected we all really are. we all are one in some way or another. this theory also kinda is saying that we should just be nice to everyone all the time, because they are us. its wild. theres another thing i really got from it too. it was saying how when we accept our darkside as part of us, then we can be whole and live balanced. i totally feel like thats what i did with this drinking thing. i accepted that i have to stop, that it is causing me problems in my life, and most of all that it was ME. i was drinking and doing this and acting certain ways and doing stupid fucking things. i can live a life without drinking, i just have to get used to it. i know i can, i know many people who do and are fine, if not happier. i never have to worry about drunk conversations or drunk sex, or saying something stupid, or being embarrassed by how crazy i acted after that third shot of whiskey, i dont have to get hangovers anymore either, which is awesome just in itself!

im starting to think a lot about going to san francisco to see these shows. should bobby be coming? wasnt this the plan for the whole time? well i guess not really since i bought my tix and then he decided to come out here. but he has a plane ticket and tickets to the shows why not come out? we are cool, we have been cool, we know where we stand. we will have different hotel rooms and everything. i just think im gonna be lonely down there a lone for 2 nights. ive done it many times with one night, but 2 is a whole different story. its a whole day to do stuff, and doing stuff is cool, but alone is kinda lonely. it would be nice to get to hang out with bobby. have someone to eat dinner with and talk to and walk back from the bart with late at night after spoon in oakland. we havent talked about it since when things were weird and he said so i probably shouldnt come there right and i went yeah probably better idea. so as of now im assuming hes planning on not coming out. ugh i dont know what to do about this situation or him at all. im so confused, if i like him or not. i change my mind all the time, like all the time which somewhat shows me that im not or i would be into him. but the main problem is not being around each other. we still are just phone friends. we need to bridge that gap and see whats up. he should come to san fran, it would answer a lot of questions for both of us im sure. i think we just needed to be in this head space to hang out rather than being full on in love. too much pressure and expectations. i think i should write him an email about it. ill do that noiw. ok peace