caring is creepy..

i think ill go home and mull this over...was exactly how i felt today when my sister told me my mom might have a tumor on her pituitary gland. she was telling me about how she got these blood tests done and that they came back to point to a tumor, and when she told me i didnt care at all. and i felt bad about not caring, but i just didnt. i dont know how im supposed to feel. how am i supposed to care about someone who doesnt care about me, nor ever seems to have in the first place? its weird. very fucking weird. i have been going through all these emotions lately about thinking about my childhood and i thought about how when i was in high school how she didnt want me to be in the play, told me no way, no after school activities, like who the fuck says that to their kids? luckily i didnt listen to her, because it turned out to be one of the most important things that ever happened to me, it lead me to all my friends and my life. then i thought about the lack of love i was shown, and the jealousy, and all of it and how its affected my addictions that i have in life. and how if we as children dont have the love from parents we dont get that dopamine receptors to work properly and thats why we go to drugs. thats why hood rats are hood rats, etc. so ive been going through all this and now i find this out. i know the good thing to do is to forgive her and be there for her in her time of need. i know im supposed to do that. but i dont want to. i dont want to be all zen and hippy about this. she has fucked me up, and still is a bad mom to me. i dont know how to feel about this..i suppose there is no real reason to worry so much until something is certain. but it does bring up the age old fear of death. im not really scared to die, i feel like i would just go into another life, i have faith in an afterlife. i am not worried about me, but i have thrown the thought around about my mom dying and how it would affect me. how would i feel, i guess i just figured i would deal with it when it happened. its one of those things like do i make up with her just because shes dying? its not my place to forgive her without her asking for it right? i mean if she can die without saying sorry to me one time, then fuck that. but how will it make me feel for the rest of my life? will i always wish i made things better? will i not care? will i be okay because ive lived this long without her in my life? am i just suppressing all of this bullshit aside? the one thing is that im sober too. i didnt smoke weed today. so these thoughts are clear and concise.

holy fucking shit its raining so hard here. someone drove down my driveway tonight and scared the shit out of me and sofia. they drove down and backed out, it was weird. it also happened the second i turned my outside light off then turned it back on to take sof out. it really freaked me out. now we are in this huge storm and its wild. i feel like im going through so much. so many thoughts and so many changes its just freaking me out a bit. i dont know how to feel about any of it.

"to be finished would be a relief"-stephen patrick morrissey