talking talking talking talk...

so i had my intense convo with bobby tonight. i realized that im really not into him and that he is someone i am deceiving, and that im deceiving myself about butter. its both. neither are right for me. i am not meant to be with either, and im meant to love myself. im going through these changes and this is all for me, not for anyone else. i think i flip flopped between both dudes, it seems like when i like one i hate the other and vice versa. like today i thought i liked bobby again, but i dont. not at all the dude for me. not at all. a good friend, yes indeed, but he is unsure if he can be my friend. it didnt go so well. he poured out his heart in all but saying he is in love with me. i just listened and told him that basically i put myself out there too much and didnt like the feeling of it and i closed up. but as i typed that i realized how scary that is for me. am i ever going to be able to share myself with someone? am i going to make myself lonely forever because i dont like the feeling of being put out there? or is it just always the wrong person i put myself out there for? will i just know? nikole told me yesterday that the beginning should be the easiest and its so true. every time the beginning is good and smooth, it has a better chance of working out. all these issues that appear are red flags that i usually just ignore for some sort of selfish benefit. like i still want to fuck butter, so i will maybe. i think it might be okay to have someone to just hang out with and sleep with and have to kiss and eat dinner with and do stuff with, but not want to marry them. i feel like i just need to say that im not looking for anything too serious but i like hanging out and once i put it out there i feel like i will be a lot happier with him. he is cute, but is immature and acts really aloof and has all these ideas he puts on people and is all self righteous and its annoying. hes kinda a positive know it all, and it makes me wonder if i am too. do i do that ? do i act all better than thou with my positivity? sometimes maybe i do come off that way, i bet especially to jenni. right jenni? i know your reading this going, yup you totally do that all the time.

well i feel clear yet, foggy. i dont want to go to bed, cause tomorrow is back to no smoking weed. i want to suck it up as much as possible, but im so sleepy now and that convo with bobby was so intense and heavy and i dont want to sit on it anymore. i want to go to bed and forget about it all and know i spoke my truth and said what i felt and even though he doesnt like it, he will learn to accept it one day. its really all he can do. i feel i spoke my peace and the end of the conversation was pushed by me, i totally ended that shit and was like okay well if you wanna talk to me hit me up, ill be around when your ready and i felt like he wasnt ready to hang up but the convo kept going in circles and both of us kept repeating ourselves. it was quite annoying after a while. im glad i had it high, cause i didnt absorb most of it. i heard it, just didnt keep it in me. and i dont feel like i have to either. he needed to put all that out there and off his chest to me, and i heard him but im moving on. im over it. its done, it happened. its over. i have a feeling it will not be for him for a long time. and maybe im wrong and maybe it will bother me again at some point, but i need to take care of me now. i need to love myself.