baby im a lost cause..

i feel weird again, i feel like a failure in a way. i failed myself and my goal. it all started a week ago, i stopped working out, and i ate eggs and it went downhill since then. everyday i got lazier and forgot to take care of myself properly. why wasnt i able to complete my month long task? it was only 30 days, and i only made it 12. im a fucking loser. im so disappointed in myself. i want to start over again, but i feel like the feeling is lost and gone and doesnt make any sense anymore. nobody believed i could do it, and i proved them right. i fucked up this weekend, and i plan on continuing my cleanse tomorrow, but whats the point? i already fucked up. it wont be 30 days no matter what. it will be two sessions of two weeks.

i feel so overwhelmed by dudes right now too. i havent been in a predicament like this ever really. i never have two dudes wanting me and me not knowing what i want. i usually have an idea of which i like etc, but in this i feel so confused. sometimes i think i really like bobby and that somehow we will end up together and this wil be a funny part of our story, and then sometimes i go no fucking way hes too crazy and i couldnt imagine any of it. and butter man o man, i had my chance to go hang out with him tonight, but fuck that. i said no. i want to fuck, but i dont want to be desperate, so i am making him wait, even though its making me wait too, i think its better. who knows if in 3 days i will want to fuck him or not. also im finding myself crushing on this dj from work, who is soooo not up my alley at all. hes kind of a dick, which i think i like. hes semi neurotic, but its kinda endearing, because hes funny about it. i like funny. i always have. and i get the feeling he kinda is into me too, but its so not possible, and its silly for me to even want to go there. he is a coworker and i need to not flirt with him and have it be professional, because i like this place and i dont want to ruin it. and besides it will be fun to have a work crush, it always makes going there more fun right? i wish i knew what i was doing. i feel like ive been just going through the motions and not really adjusting to working so much and being so busy. i have been putting off mailing shit for 2 weeks, and paying bills, ive been carrying around so much cash waiting to get money orders to pay my bills. its silly. i want to take care of all this tomorrow. then my week is packed, the funny part is ive been busy for 3 days a week thats it but it feels like so much. i feel so overwhelmed with being busy but in reality im not that busy. i wish i understood myself better. what is my lesson to be learned? when will i learn it? will i ever?

which brings me to this other thought ive been having about letting people in, am i ever going to let anyone in enough? am i always going to freak out? am i always going to feel some sort of rejection, and if not feel the need to reject? am i not allowing myself to be happy. am i just meeting the wrong people? its all too much sometimes.

and i knew the silence of the world..