im a complete idiot..

total and utter idiot, ive told myself it one hundred times in the last three minutes, its horrible. so horrible.

i went out on a quasi date tonight with one friends who i watch the eagles games with, and weve been friends for a while and he liked me and i had to always block it off and eveything. so anyways weve hung out for a while now and been cool, like homeys cool and tonight we out to a nice dinner and to the casino, and i did karaoke i did big poppa and that song about butts, sexy sexy song. anyways we go smoke a blunt at this spot at the beach and are chillin for a while and i have the great idea to bring up hey should we make out, and have it be cool afterwards, like no strings attached type thing, just make out and have fun..so we do exactly that, we make out for a while and then it gets more intense, and crazy and im feeling it. he goes down on me (which sucked) i tried to pretend like it didnt, but it was making me miss r a lot at that moment. anyways, so i try to just fuck to get it over with at this point, but his dick isnt getting hard. granite we are outside in about 50 degree weather at the beach and trying to fuck, and its not working. so i lose my mojo per se and get over it. we laugh about how stupid it is that its not working and make out more..now dont get me wrong he was a great kisser totally got me hot and wet and everything. totally ready to fuck him and just enjoy the casual makeout session. so its still not hard after so many make outs, so we concede and decide to get over it and leave. at this point im like ok it wasnt meant to be cool..we talk and laugh about how the universe doesnt want us to fuck, and i remember that i have to get a pap tomorrow and technically your not supposed to have anything inside you for 72 hours before, so im already in trouble haha..so we leave and laugh and i talk about how he cant be weird and shit and its all good..then we get to his house and i for some reason decide to go inside and take bong hits and see where it goes..at this point i just want to get laid. so we do that and make out and i hate it, and am way over it. so i pretend to be tired and then leave. so now im home an d telling myself how much im an idiot. idiot. idiot. god damn that was stupid. every time i was like this is casual and isnt meant to be he would say well maybe next time and shit, so i know its gonna be weird, i just know it. there will be this tension that exist no matter what. god damn my lebeto needs some good ass attention. yet again weird that i kept thinking this isnt r. is that because the last semi naked make out i had was with him and it was good and filled with emotion and this wasnt by any means at all. this was strickly me being drunk and high and horny. god i am a dude.