rebel rebel.

life is so fucking crazy i tell ya. it just is in so many ways, there is so much to think about all the time, so much to process, so much to consider all the fucking time. thinking about other people, their feelings, your feelings, situations, what to say what not to say, how is this or that coming across? am i leading this person on? am i misleading all together? am i showing my true self? what is my true self? so many fucking questions.

ugh. ok now that that is over i can discuss some real shit.

so tonight bobby pulled a pretty huge card out on me and it worked, it hurt and made me jealous and i hate it. i dont know what im supposed to feel, or why i feel or any of it. (hense the questions section above) he has been back in philly and has been happy. i have seen him happy but only because of me, and everything else he seemed to be so blah about all the time, and it was part of the reason i wanted to stop talking to him so much because i felt like i was his key to happiness, and now hes home and being super happy and opening up. he kepts texting me telling me all the fun shit hes doing and how happy he is, and you can feel it through these texts and my responses are always something like this "thats so awesome, im so glad to see you feeling happy, im so siked for you, thats so dope" i mean i could continue, but why bother, you get the point. i dont really know what else to say when he says this stuff, partially because im baffled. i dont know how to deal with a happy bobby, and or my feelings for a happy bobby. i had this thought in my head that he was this miserable person who would rely on me forever for happiness and it was too much to deal with..and bam! i get this? i dont know what to do with it all. oh and to get back to it, he texted me tonight about his bday and happiness, then said "ok gotta go now im meeting up with this girl nadia and we are gonna drive around and find something to do" FUCK that hurt. it made me so jealous. so fucking jealous and he knew it would do that. but then i think about me and al i have been doing and i dont feel so bad. ive been fucking off a lot more than he has, and im the one who broke his heart. but i think about and think well did i make him better and some other girl is gonan reap the benefits of it? am i gonna realize im completely in love with him when he starts dating a girl and is living some happy life? or am i gonna do all that and get him and not want him? orrrrrr am i gonna see him in sf next month and not be into at all, or maybe fall head over heels..i guess im getting to this. too many fucking questions. that have no answers at all. i wont know until those things happen, all i know is this; i gotta do me right now.

i cant sit around and think about dudes, or feelings or any of that shit. i gotta think about how to get my body in good shape, save money work on my career and the radio stuff. i need to do me. today i got drunk and high as a kite by 5pm. it was so weird because i went out with tibs bf to talk to him about his problems and we talked about drinking and how both of us are in the same boat dealing with it, and how we hate it, blah blah blah and all i wanted want to get drunk and smoke cigarettes when i got home, so i did. and guess what? it made me feel like absolute shit, i hated every second of being too fucked up. but did i? didnt i knowingly do it to myself? didnt i just spend hours talking about how horrible it is for me to do, and its all i wanted to do? why the fuck did i do it? i feel like im punishing myself for something, and making myself feel horrible. i am in such a weird state. when i was sober last week i was so happy and i was so with it and proud of myself every day and positive and healthy and awesome, and now im just a mess. well not really a mess, but i feel like one kind of. its like im rebelling. i constantly feel the need to rebel. its stupid and childish and i dont know why i do it, but i do. all the time. my whole radio show friday night was about rebellion, because i was stuck on a commercial station playing songs i didnt pick and i felt like a fraud to music, but its just the game, i know, but i still felt like a fraud. i had to pretend i liked those songs, when i didnt. i gotta go to bed and stop thinking so much. tomorrow is a new day, and i need to treat it like one. do my thing and be healthy and happy because its in there, its in me and i just need to do it!