i don't wanna do your dirty work no more..

today was a crazy day. it felt really productive, i woke up and went down to get a massage for my shoulder, which wasnt a nice fun massage, it hurt like fuck and still does. this rotator cuff is fuckeddd up..but im working on helping it heal, so hopefully it does sooner than later! then i had to do work for post haste and hung out with my friend sierra, we drank champagne and sat in the sun and had an awesome lunch, then went back. all day i had the looming fear of having to totally break it off with butter. i knew i had to do it. i was so freaked about it all day, so nervous and scared. i got the guts to call him a few times, but he didnt answer, it was horrible. sitting around having something to say that your so nervous to actually say and it was like ripping a band aide off, it would hurt for a minute, but be better when its off. so i finally got my chance, and he was really graceful and understanding and cool. he even said " well it sucks we never got naked, but its cool" so yeah i totally made the right choice in ending that situation. it also felt good to say what i needed to say and be an adult about it, and communicate my feelings. he told me "i've gotten those texts before i knew it was coming" so its all good and done. we said we would hang out again with greg, but i know we wont. its all good though, i had to do what i had to do for me, and i did. it feels awesome. i felt like such a weight was taken off me it feels awesome. i am free from all dudes right now! exactly where i wanted to be. i need to be for me, like ive been saying but now i am. i am free and have no attachments at all. and if a dude trys to hit me up im just going to be honest from the beginning and be like im not gonna date you. because it works in the movies, so im gonna try it, and yes im serious. hahah i dont know what else to do, i lead dudes on all the time, and i decided if i am honest up front then there is no expectations and its all good, and if something cool happens we can deal with it then, but otherwise there is nothing to deal with up front. oh and im not hanging out with them al ot, or texting a lot. slow slow slow is the way to go from now on. no more jumping in head first, no more giving away everything before the 5th date or whatever. dude has to work for it, and so do i. im over all this bullshit. its my year, this is all for me! me me me me me me memeeeeee!!!!!!