just me complaining..

i just dont feel right. i need to stop smoking so much weed. i woke up this morning with that same thoughts i have when i go out drinking. what did i do, what did i say..etc etc. am i meant to be sober all the time? is this my destiny? is that why i was sxe when i was younger? to show me the light for now? i dont know what to do! i feel like my will power isnt that strong to be clean from everything, but i feel like maybe i should try to do another month long cleanse. but when i think about that it hink about derek coming out here for 420 and i need to smoke that day. i guess i could start today and stop when he gets here, but thats not quite a month. so it wouldnt be worth it. maybe i should just chill out on it. but when i think to do that days like today happen where i want to just sit around and relax cause i have a crazy week ahead of me, and what better way to spend my day off then to watch tv or go to the movies and smoke a bunch of weed! its my way to relax, but i guess im being told that i need to find other ways to relax. its not gonna be easy either. its gonna take a little way to train my brain and myself to not go to weed for relaxing and one of my big things is because when i get high i eat eat eat. i cant stop myself. i have no control, and i try to keep healthy things in the house so that i eat better when i get the munchies but i still feel guilty. i havent gone food shopping in a few weeks, so my house is literally empty. i need to go shopping today so that this week i can have the right foods around me. i am working two of those days, so i will be fed, makes me think i should wait until thursday so i dont waste some of it like produce, etc.

i am a mess. i saw this dude last night with a tshirt that was orange and said " im a hot mess" and it was pancakes with syrup on it and as he walked by i smiled and said i like your shirt and he looked at me and i felt this wild ass connection with him and it almost was like he was gonna sit down and talk to me, but he kept walking. and when he walked back i was getting up with my jacket on and i didnt really look at him but i wanted to, and i wish i did. i looked for him again kind of, my hip really really hurt me for some reason last night. i think i pulled some muscle in it, but it hurt sooo bad like bad when i was 14 and had the tumor in it. it was hard to walk and everything. so i was limping around the place and didnt really want to keep walking if i didnt have to. but i have been thinking about him and wanted to post a craigslist ad about him, but i realized its so much work to do that they need to call me and shit and im not down with that at all. so its whatever.

i did realize something yesterday as i was driving though which really helped my life out a lot, and sucked it up too..so i realized that i was nothing special to rickie. he treated me like any other girl, and i was under the impression i was different. i thought that i was special and this girl he thought about differently and its not true. he just knew how to keep me when he needed me. he knew i needed to feel different and special so he treated me that way when he talked to me. i fell for it. i fell hard for it. part of me wants to not believe this discovery, but i cant keep pretending, and i cant even talk to him about it because he will try to validate the whole thing and pull me in further and further and i cant fall for that shit anymore. so he oddly enough just messaged me on facebook and i was soo weird to him. like super weird and i said, sorry for being weird, i dont mean to be, im in a weird space..and he went its cool i gotta go do ummm homework. i wanted to be like yo i cant pretend to be cool with you, you are a fucking asshole who manipulated me and i hate you for it. i can not be cool to you when you treated me like a piece of shit and all your friends and mine told me the same thing. carrot on a fucking string and i fell for it. many many many manyyyy times and im done with you. you are an asshole and im done with you. fuck off. fuck fuck fuck. now im all worked up, i need to go be productive.
peace.