its been a long time coming..

but i know change gonna come...yes it will.

im feeling much better these days. i feel like im back in control of myself and my thoughts and my impulses. i was such a mess before, it was hard to see anything clearly. the only real thoughts i still carry with me are moving back to philly and how to do that. its funny its like i live in this weird universe, where im just waiting for the change to happen. i feel it coming so much but just dont know how or when its gonna happen, so everyday i just try to go through my day and keep watching the days move on. my body is really hurting and its scaring me. my neck literally gets adjusted and by the next morning its out again, and its worse than its ever been. it was staying in for at least 4 to 5 days last time, i dont know what changed. and now my shoulder is all kinds of fucked up and hurts to even move above my head. i dont know how to help that either. its been over 2 months that its hurt. that isnt good. might be time to go to the doctor and get it fixed for reals. i know i have to stop doing that work, its just hurting me more than helping, but i need the money so bad. i need the money to live and also to move. im so proud of myself i told myself this year that i am saving at least 10 percent of every money i make, and last night i was doing my bills and ran out of money to pay them all, so i was like oh well i guess i just cant save this yet, but then i was like nope, this money doesnt exsist. it never was here, so you cant use it. it was awesome to be saving and knowing i was really keeping up with what i told myself i was doing. its been cool to stay strong and not do the things i told myself not to do! next is my eating habits and snacking. those times have to end. i have less than 5 months to get into good shape for teresas wedding, and i feel like i can do it. i feel like i can look so good when i go home next, and feel so good. i bet a lot about me will be different when i go there in may.

so yesterday i had a talk with this woman, whos older than me shes probably like 50 or more and she was asking me about why i was crying when i got back from philly (she saw me in ph when i lost it) and i informed her or my situation with r and she was like i totally understand, and then asked if i thought he was my soul mate and i said yes for sure, and she then proceeded to tell me that we usually dont end up with our soul mates. which just made me so sad, she said its the person you will think about forever and it will always hurt like a knife in the heart but it will usually doesnt work out. she then told me that she has taken polls from woman over the years and asked if they had a chance to never do it and not have to feel the pain would they take it back and never know that person and every woman said nope, they would take the pain right over again, and i feel the same way. i wouldnt change it for the world, no matter how hard it is. it kinda freaked me out though, because sometimes i feel like there is no way we could work out, we dont even talk. i mean we text kind of, but havent talked in so long. i am hoping that me sending him this birthday gift will open the lines of communication, but i also thought that about my xmas present. so who knows. who knows how it will happen, but im hoping it does soon. i saw tickets to go home from lax for 240 bucks round trip, i want to go home for the eagles winning the superbowl, but who knows if that is goign to happen, but was thinking of just going home anyways just for 2 days. why not right? why not spend 6 hours to go home for a few days and see my family and friends. ie jenni and r then i thought about it and would he even want to hang out with me?

so many thoughts
so very lonely.