it is happening again...

it all comes rushing back to me. depression. my good old friend, fuck you, i never missed you. i enjoyed happiness, it was a wonderful thing, and then you gotta come back and fuck things up for me. i know your going to do this to me my whole life, but jesus fucking leave me alone.

i have hit it hard, very hard. deep dark depression. royal tennenbaums and seasick, yet still docked type of depression. where i am just reeling in it. its all around me, and its deep and dark as fuck and i have a feeling its gonna be around for a while. i dont know why im so surprised about this, but i am. i went from complete euphoria to this. this neck is the main problem, then mix a little morning after pill in there and boom! you got me right now. fucking emotional, bitchy, sad, depressed, angry as fuck, depressed, lonely, sad, sad sad. i broke up with eric today pretty much. i told him i couldnt do this long distance thing anymore, it was hurting us more than it was helping us. thats the one line i really remember saying. i was an emotional wreck this morning, and when he called i was in a bad bad mood and he was yelling at his dog immediately and it just set me off. this wasnt working for me. at all. and i didnt think it could be working for him either. it made no sense. we have had nothing to talk about, and keep getting our lines crossed and semi arguing about words and sentences, because we got nothing else to say. i blame myself really. ive been stuck in this house, alone, hurt and bored and i got nothing to say to anyone really. it sucks though but i have faith that if im supposed to be with him i will. this little thing wont stop us from being together in the end. this will be a speed bump but it will make us realize if we want to be with each other or not. i know i want to be with him, but i cant do this shitty long distance thing with someone i just met. it doesnt make any sense. it would be hard to do with someone ive known for a few years, but i would have more of a foundation and it would be easier. this just isnt right.

as for my neck, its sprained for realz. i went to see the medical doctor today and man i couldnt have had a worse experience. i got there and the nurse was super nice to me, and understood my situation and stuff, then the doctor came in. he barely looked at me, and seemed like he was semi listening to me. like he was too busy to care about a pulled neck when there was other important things going on. he made me move my head around and all that stuff, then i told him my ears were ringing, ive had a fever, and my ears feel clogged, he never said a word about any of that, then went so do you want me to write you a prescription for some pain killers? i said no i dont think they will help me, and he said me either. i thought it was so fucked up that he was gonna write me one just to shut me up pretty much, but medically knew i didnt need it. then some other nurse came in and tried to fit me for a neck brace, and i was like i need a smaller one this one doesnt feel right, and she was like "well if your not gonna wear it im not gonna give it to you" what a fucking cunt. fuck you if i choose to wear it or not isnt up to you, i have a sprained neck, i paid 50 bucks to have a doctor barely listen to me and this is what your saying to me?? oh then it gets worse..another nurse comes in to give me some reading to do for stretches, etc and i was like is the doctor coming back because he never told me about my ear. and she goes, oh im sorry the doctor has 15 minutes to spend and he can legally only deal with one problem at a time, so you will want to make another appointment for your ear. and i was like my ear is related to this issue, it started with my neck. and she was like make an appointment. i was so upset.

i was a wreck in the car, i cried super hard. i just needed someone to give me a hug and tell me it would be ok. everything will be okay melissa, if you cant work its ok we will figure it out together, blah blah and nope. i mean i finally got a hug from kris, but nothing like i needed. i guess thats the bad thing about being so off putting to love and affection from people most of your life, when you really need it you cant get it cause youve been too hard in the past to accept it and people have been trained on how to act around you. its all my doing. im pushing away love and family and trying to be such a loner all the time, but for what? where has it gotten me? it saved me in the past when i needed it, but i dont need it anymore. i choose who i get to be around and who i want to share my life with, but i still am scared all the time. im scared to lose them, so i lose them first. it hasnt gotten me anywhere.

i am told that this will take 4-6 weeks to heal up and i need to spend the next two weeks in the house and got a doctors note to get out of work till the 14th. but i have to work next week at my other job to make any money. its a big job that i will make a lot of money at, and i may have to miss it, then what do i do about my bills? my rent? my phone? internet, all turned off if i dont pay something. how am i supposed to pay anything when i seriously have 60 bucks. sixty dollars to my whole name, with no other money coming in at all. im just a mess. i need help and dont know what kind of help, or how i need it or what, but i need something.

help. please.