and i guess that i just don't know..

today was a good and bad day with eric. i woke up to a text from him saying he wanted to come here earlier, and its just bad news. it sent me on this crazy ass spiral where i just thought i hated him and never could ever imagine seeing his face ever again. i freaked the fuck out. i was like ok i guess i just dont like him. we then had it out on facebook chat for a while, and i was so frustrated with him. he was taking forever to answer my questions, etc. it gave me the impression that he wasnt interested in this conversation or talking to me about anything, i just lost it basically. oddly enough after i talked to him i felt a million times better, it was like i needed to argue with him to feel better. its so weird. i do this with every single dude i like, i hate them. i always hate them first. why is that? i was really thinking about it today and trying to figure it out and i think its because i get scared. super duper scared of them leaving me or something, the only thing that kept coming up was abandonment issues. my dad left when i was 3, then my step dad left too, then my mom pretty much left me. ive pushed everyone away my whole life, and im over it. today i was really touched by some people in my life that honestly truly care about me and want the best for me and just want me to hang out with them. i usually get annoyed by this, which is just fucked up. how can it be annoying that people want to hang out with you? well i guess there is a balance, but ya know what i mean. ive gotten off track.

all day ive been thinking about eric and what i want from him or if there is anything i can work out of this situation. honestly i dont know. i wont know till he gets back here and finds a place to live and we go on dates and hang out in real life and see if we work as a couple or not. we havent hung out with any other people ever, so that will be a big step. i told him i didnt what him to stay with me when he gets here, but oddly enough after i said that i wanted to take it back. i imagine him rolling up here and staying in a hotel or something and i think its retarded, he should be in my bed with me. i thought that maybe he was over me and wouldnt really talk to me, but i was wrong, hes not giving up. he talks to me again like nothing ever happened earlier which normally would annoy me but for some reason i like it. its like he gets my crazy and accepts it and knows why im acting the way i am. its whatever, i decided to not think of it anymore and just wait. he will be here within a few weeks and we will see how it goes. i will think about it then.

tonight my friends tibora and greg came to pick me up and treat me to dinner and then we went to the movies, it was awesome. i never get picked up and taken out it was sweet and helped me not think about my neck for a few hours which is nice. my cable box broke so no tv for me for the next few days, which is like murder for me. im so bummed, but maybe its a good thing. there is a reason it broke at this time, maybe it will help me do something better for myself or watch movies or something like that. but anyways, tib and greg were in the middle of an argument when they came to get me and kept discussing with me around, and it was awkward but it was good for me to be in the middle of. it was good to see a relationship in action and see how hard it is all the time. and how you really need to communicate and be able to let shit go. letting shit go is the hardest part, but the most crucial i think. greg told me he was just being a dick cause he could, and he couldnt stop he was arguing to argue. that scared me for tib. i hope he snaps out of it, because it seems to be too much to deal with, if i were her..but who knows what happens between two people, nobody can ever say. two people share intense moments and love and its special and they can get through things other people think they never could deal with, until they are in that position. very interesting.

im for sure moving to la. i decided it for sure. it feels right and good and certain. i need out of this town and this weather. it will be a nice change of pace, well a high pace. the only bummer is im gonna be stuck with a really small apartment for the same price i pay now, but its all good. ill find a good place that im supposed to live at. nikole told me there are a few apartments on her block that i will check out when im down there. it seems like a good move to do, a good change. i look around my place now and wonder what will be put out when i live in la, or how things would be arranged, or what decor look ill go for. my house has pretty much looked the same for years now, and im ready to switch it up. me and sofia dont need a super big place, but i am worried about her barking if we live near other people. she barks when she hears anything, and if we live in apartment complex i wonder if she will bark a lot when im not home cause she will be scared. i guess i will deal with that when it happens.

i really hope my neck heals quickly. im over this pain and being stuck in the house. it feels better today then yesterday, so i guess we will see.

goodnight. xo