im not a player i just crush a lot..

yo tonight i had my first real deal player time!! im so excited. its so fucked up but im so excited. so eric came over and we hung out and things never felt quite right, he was quite and reserved and every-time i tried to talk he just sat there and didnt really say much. i guess i can contribute this to him being high, but whatever it was silly. all i kept thinking about was banging. i just wanted to get eaten out, etc etc..but i didnt know how to approach it, so when he was talking about going home, i was like wanna go cuddle first? and he said no, and i was like ok then felt shut down and weird and told him he was weird..then he got up and went to my bed and was like ohhh its super comfortable in here so i came in and laid down and didnt really feel much, i wasnt really turned on then he kinda did this game where he rubbed me and kept trying to kiss me but running away ya know that whole game, i was into it wayyy into it all hot and bothered, but he like never kissed me, it went on too long and i got bored, so i laid down. (now in later thoughts i realized i should have just kissed him when i was all hot, shouldnt have left it up to him, but i did cause i was the one who put it out there twice and so the ball was kind of in his court) so then he starts kissing me and im sooooooo not feeling it, like so not into it..it starts to get a little rough and of course i get turned on. hahah so then he just takes my pants off and go down town..i was in heaven!! so i have this amazing orgasm while being strangled which is my new favorite way to cum btw. i learned it in the shower, the heat made me lose oxygen and i have amazing orgasms there!! so that was dope, but afterward i really didnt want to do anything to him. oh yeah and after he went to the bathroom to clean up, i said ive been dreaming of that ever since i got the wax! hahaha can you believe it! i actually said that to someone out loud. so he lays down and kinda just lays there and i feel bad so i start to cuddle and we try to kiss and its just weird and some hair got in his mouth and hes like "at least we know its not vagina hair!" i was like ew vagina is so unsexy of a word, it makes me feel like im in a doctors office then the mood was broken and he got up and left! it was awesome! i feel like such a player!! i never in my life have had an orgasm when a dude hasnt and he left, like usually they would wait around so that they could get one in a little bit but nope! no waiting, just get to be alone, i get to cum and sleep alone! its incredible. i wish i had this power earlier in my life, i feel so liberated, so free, such a strong woman sense. i got mines. holla!

as for my feelings on him, obviously i dont like him anymore. there is no pretending, i just dont like him, and maybe im still up in my head and maybe im still being weird, but im sick of making excuses or whatever, im just not that into you. sorry. nikole asked me to think about how i would feel if he were with another girl and honestly i dont think id care, i would be happy for him to have some girl who gets to enjoy all his good qualities and will be treated right. but he aint the right fit for me. its another lesson, another step in the right direction. im learning so much about myself and what i want and dont want from these dudes and each one is close to right, but just not right. i really look forward to the day where the right one comes and there is no questions, no weirdness, no nothing. just straight up love, i deserve it and i will get it. i know i will, im evolving nonstop, being myself more and more and when im supposed to have love i will. each one is closer and closer to him. this just doesnt feel right to me, i will be surprised if this works out. i dont see how it will. im done and when im done, im done. done done done.
peace