this is what salvation must be after a while..

something changed today with me and eric and i dont really know what it is, but i know it was me. he told me a few days ago he was mailing me something and i got it today and it turned out to be the brand new arcade fire single on vinyl that i didn't even know came out yet!! it was the best surprise, and i was so scared on what it could have been. i was glad to see it was that. very thoughtful and sweet of him.

i called to thank him and we got to talking and just talked about all the stuff we've been thinking about each other, and all my fears and how i push people away to see if they will stick around or not, etc..but it was so natural and organic that it just worked, there was no weirdness and i wasn't scared to just talk and say what i was thinking. it was nice, we cleared the air a bit, and i feel it made us a lot closer. the downfall of this whole thing is now i want him up here quicker than i did before. its getting so hard, i just want to hang out with him, which is actually kind of awesome, cause when he does come it will be so much sweeter and fulfilling. i knew that things would turn around for us in due time. i think my hormones were just going nut-so and i was hating on him for a while, but im over it. i want to be with him again, i want to spend my time with him and have experiences and feel love and let myself go through something new. try to have a good relationship. i told him today i dont know how to be a good girlfriend, but i want to try and learn. he said "me either" when it came to all that, so its good we will figure it out together what will work for us. i was talking about la and moving and hes like ya know you shouldn't make too many plans because things could change, and i knew what he meant and i have a feeling hes right. i have this nagging feeling in the back of my head that im not moving to la at all. but why? what would stop me? this is my plan and my short term goal, and i want to do it. how will i want to not?

im really looking forward to all the change that is coming my way. im starting to feel sad leaving my life here, but either way i am. life as i know it is over, i may live in the same place and have the same friends but if i am with eric, my life is different. ive been single and independent for so long and thats what life as i currently know it is like, but it is changing. its exciting and scary at the same time but its what ive been waiting for. i have needed a serious change and it came for me. 2010 is my year. everything is coming together this year for me, ive known it!!