all to all..

so ive been sitting here thinking about things between eric and myself and there is so much stuff i dont like about him, or things that i read or whatever that make me think there is no way this shit is gonna work out. why am i doing this again? havent i learned before that if it doesnt feel right at any point to bounce out of a new thing, dont make excuses, dont sit around and hope it will get better to just leave, cause after i do im usually happy about it. but for some reason i cant seem to make myself go without giving this a try, i guess i say that because hes not around here and i havent given it a try yet, all that weve had as been over the phone, text or internet. but i mean hes is rough around the edges, hasnt had a woman teach him whats proper to say and whats not..but then i think well isnt that just me trying to change him? do i just not like him? but when i say that immediately i go no i do like him, he makes me feel amazing, we are so connected when we are together. but thats how i felt with r too and look how that ended. not so good..

this whole thing has made me wonder about giving in and giving up a bit. am i looking for mister right? yes of course i am, but NOBODY is perfect, i know for sure i am not at all. but i guess somewhere inside i think i am. its like i want this person whos all these awesome things but when i get it its not what i want. im always like this, there has to be a point where i just accept it all and settle. thats what bothers me the most the idea of settling i promised myself i would never settle ever, i would rather be alone than settle for something im not sure about. but the whole idea of having to settle a little bit has entered my brain lately. i mean nobody is going to fulfill me totally. i have said that to so many people in life, that your partner will fulfill you in some ways but not all, and thats why we have friends because they help fill those parts that our partners cant. we have these other relationships because of that. the stuff that i am concerned about is so surface, but yet part of his personality, which probably will never change, and its not even like i want it to change, i want it to be smoothed out a bit. its edgy, his jokes are funny but some of them are over done or played out, or just not funny or even a little off putting. and thinking about it, it probably worked when he was in a room filled with frat dudes who are drunk, they probably loved it and he made them laugh so much, was the class clown, but at 30 its just not as funny. he never grew into his comedy with his age, he stayed at 22, and im not into that. but yet i have to think about hanging out with him and how it will change when i see him and we are together. its just so hard to get through everyday thinking that.

i think that being stuck in my house has been really good for me. as much as i say im cabin fever, im really not. im kind of enjoying this time to do literally nothing and have the ability to not call people or to call people as much or as little as i want. ive been chillin a lot listening to music and doing a lot of thinking. its really good for me. i mean i am kinda going nuts over this eric thing a bit, but i think its all good. its good for me to process all this and have the time and space to hate and not hate him, so that when he gets here all of it already happened and he doesnt have to go through it with me in his face. i dont have to hate him one day and have to hang out with him or hurt him. i get to just not answer the phone or not call or text if i dont want to. and i think its good that i told him some of my issues so that he knows i like him and i am just dealing with stuff.