linger on...

i really feel good today. its been a good day, i havent had to wear my brace the whole day and it feels fine, its like i magically got better over night. i was convinced i was going to wake up and be all kinds of fucked up from mowing half the lawn, but i think it helped actually. it hurt right away so i iced it then took some aleve, and i havent felt any pain since. im really excited to get back to my life this week, im ready to go out and work and get the house ready for moving. i really need to start thinking about that type of stuff, getting these holes patched up, going to the dump, getting rid of a bunch of shit that isnt needed, maybe sell some stuff. really start packing up and getting rid of stuff i dont need and wont take with me. its really starting to feel real to me, that im actually moving. i thought today what could keep me here, and its nothing. nothing could keep me here. im over this place, i need out, and i need out bad. i was saying to myself, what if the radio station offered me a good job, could i stay and the answer is no. i dont think i want to do another winter here, my mental self needs out. this place ive outgrown it. ive also thought about how many people i wont even care about not seeing. i mean dont get me wrong im not an asshole, but im reality i will only truly miss a handful of people, and im sure sometimes think kindly of the others, but thats it. im glad to have this part of my life story. it was a very important growing and learning experience for me. i really came into myself, but i need to come into my career self and start making real money and getting a house and starting an adult life.

eric did the cutest thing yesterday he posted something on his facebook and it was a trip from his house to here and someone wrote whats in humboldt, and he said "i left my heart there" how adorable is that?? just out there, doesnt care who reads it, nothing, just felt it and wrote it. hes not scared to like me, and not scared to tell me or anyone else. i realized ive been such a bitch to him, and ive been like my mom. i really have been noticing my mom in me and eric. i want to control him, and have him be what i want, or to do things how i would, and i get annoyed and expect him to understand me and love me still even though im giving him no love back. its totally my mom. im really glad i recognized it so that i can work on it. its really really freaking weird for me to realize it, but im really glad i did. the last thing i want to be to anyone is her, and its just so engrained in me i dont know how to act any other way. its how i was with dominic and with matt too, i never accepted either of them for who they were, i always was trying to change things about them or make them act how i thought they should act and its wrong. its why it never worked out. i was her, ive only ever seen her in relationships and to be quite honest, they are horrible. her and my step dad bill was awful, then her and jerry are pretty bad too. no love, no compassion, no trust, no respect nothing. its all ive ever known, and i am making damn sure i dont do any of those things. tonight eric called me and i was annoyed, like ugh why does he always call after i say something cute over text, and i answered and was mean and bitchy and didnt want to talk to him, then i thought about the cute stuff he did and does and relaxed and had a good normal conversation with him. if i keep doing that i should be ok.

im also scared of the curse of waiting. i have this theory that has been proven time and time again by myself, friends and family. whenever your waiting for something and you finally get it, you dont want it anymore. your sick of waiting, you turned it off because its been too long. its what happened when dominic moved into his own place, i was done. natalie with her bf getting a job, brooke with her bf, jenni and mark getting an apt, it always happens. someone is over it and ends it. and im sooo scared that will happen with me and eric because by the time he gets here we would have been apart longer than we were ever together. all this anticipation, all this wonder and dreams and hopes etc. it could all come crashing down around me, or it could work who knows. i have this one vision of him coming here and having it be awesome and us falling in love, and then i have this other side where he will come and i will be as annoyed with him in real life as i have been on the phone. he burped again on the phone with me tonight, and i had to ask him to not do that and i was such a pussy about it. i was like " babe could you not burp into the phone please? its no fun for me" and then he said sorry and it was awkward so i just moved onto the next subject and kept talking but then he said he had to go right after. so maybe he was pissed? or maybe he just wanted to go, but ive been laying hints down that he needs to step it up for me. lets see if he does. i hope so.