never leave you alone..

so i was just sitting here and sofia fucking freaked out super bad at something, i thought maybe it was a mouse or something, but she kept jumping back like she was scared of something coming at her, and now im fucking freaked out. i try to not freak out with stuff like that, because i feel like maybe something is trying to talk to me, but i get scared either way. i know i need to be open to it and accept whatever im gonna be told or informed about i really am trying to be aware of these types of things. its like my new chapter is here for me. i have this new idea of consciousness that isnt just about me and my life, that its more of a universal understanding of life, death, afterlife, purpose, karma, debts, connections, like choices, decisions in other lives and how they affect this life, and things we have to do. its a lot. but it all makes so much sense to me, i know its all true and its just faith. people may think im crazy, but im no crazier than someone who believes they saw mary crying on some statue, or that they believe the savior is coming back, or that their god has 8 hands or whatever..its all the same just different language to describe it.

i had a weird day today. i went to see my friend bonny whos boyfriend of 8 years was murdered and shes just a mess, and she is around this weekend. so me and tibi went over to see her and it was just hard and weird and i just felt so much for her. i felt like i wanted to be able to help her smile, or just get out of her head for a minute, but shes not really ready for that yet. she is a blank vessel right now. you look in her eyes and its blank, and she whispers and just looks like she is in so much emotional pain, in which of course she is. its kinda fucked up how when your in these situations it makes you appreciate your life so much more. its like a reminder that your life is good, and it could be so much worse. thats been hanging with me all day, and in some weird way made me weird to eric. like some part of me wants to not be close to him in case something happens to him and i have to go through that. i never want to go through something that horrible ever, but in some way i will many times at some point in my life. we never really think about it, but one day all of us, everyone we know is gonna die, and one way or another we are gonna be affected and involved in those things happening. im going to suffer serious loss in this life, and so will everyone else. its so strange to think about. you would think since everyone has to go through this type of grief at some point it would be easier, or we as humans could evolve to be able to handle death, but we cant. our humanness makes us have emotions and feelings and we suffer. we all suffer. im really trying to look at death as a good thing, as part of the process and just the way it is and that life is continuous cycle, we live and we die, then live again and die again and do this over and over again until we reach the higher level. which i believe we all will at some point, it just takes people longer than others.

when i talked to eric today i was mean to him. we both were weird and werent really communicating properly and having this weird on/off thing again. im not sure if it was only me or him, or just both of us. we are both about to go into this huge thing, and way bigger for him than me. hes moving his whole life here, hes taking a larger risk than i am. i am just living my life here still and hes adding to it, where as hes trying to create his life and going to some place he only knows 2 people, and may be in love with one of them. we may not work out, that is out there for sure. he may be stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no friends, no girlfriend, no nothing, and it would be my fault but yet his. who knows whats gonna happen but i gotta give him props for taking the risk and going for it. i really hope it works out for us, i am looking forward to spending as much time as possible with him. i really need to get over my fear of my friends liking him. i bet i will when we are together and i can feel his energy and stuff. it will be awesome, and on top of it all i get to have sex!!! im way siked on that!