heaven knows its got to be this time..

im really freaking out about tomorrow. eric is already at my house and i dont know if i like him or not. it seems like i dont and am trying to talk myself into liking him. i keep using the excuse that we are too far apart and havent had time together, but hes kinda just not my type. things about him that i dont like i always say, well i can make him realize or wear this or that, or do this or that, but in reality i dont want someone to mold. i want someone who is good already. now could i totally change my mind after tomorrows hang out? totally. i am open to that, but the more and more i get closer to him picking me up at the airport, the more and more i dislike him for me as a mate. i think hes a good dude, but he may not be my dude. for some reason i take this whole situation like its end all or be all, i do that in a lot of situations, but i am really doing it in this one alot. its like the only answer is he is mine. its so stupid. i put all this pressure on myself and my situations but for no reason. i dont have to marry this dude, i dont have to have him stay at my house, i dont have to hang out with him or fuck him if i dont want to. i do want to fuck him though to be honest. i got a brazilian wax the other day for it, and am ready for some good lovin. i do think about the good parts of him, but if i want a relationship with him or anyone i need to like them for them. all of them. every part i need to like, and of course i wont like all of them at first, the little quirks will grow cute rather than annoying, but im unsure if his are do-able. but like ive been saying too there is nothing to compare it to. i know im scared, im super scared. super super scared. this is life changing, and maybe thats what it is, that i keep saying that this whole thing is life changing, because it could not be, and i am putting all this pressure on myself for nothing. its a lot though, he is moving up to me and says that im a major reason for this. its a lot of pressure. i also am about to move to los angeles which is opening a whole bunch of doors to me, there are gonna be so many dudes down there and im gonna have options, but then i think what if he is it, what if all these other dudes with good clothes and shoes arent good for me and he is? do i need to get over myself? yep in some ways i do. i just need to get this over with, the more and more i think about it the more and more i become crazy. it just needs to happen. what will be will be. i need to keep my head in line and be cool, and not be rude or mean which i do when i got my walls up.

ugh sometimes love is so fucked up.