as im sitting here listening to an interview with jwoww..

im also thinking about me and whats going on with me these days. so there was this theory thrown to me about my injury and how injurys can be a big change coming, and so ive been thinking about this and what could being trapped in my house in pain be for? so i thought about it, it happened the day after eric got here, i was in pain the whole time, but not when i was with him. or the euphoria made me not notice the pain, and then the sprained happened the day after he left. and ive been stuck here, but for the first few weeks i ignored myself, and my pain and i went out and went to work and everything no matter how much i was uncomfortable or in pain, i just sucked it up, and then i finally decided to go to the doctor and accepted the truth of the situation. and now ive been in the house for almost a whole week just laying around, and ive gone through so many different emotions and frustrations and everything. but i came up with some stuff..

i think im stuck in this situation because its all ive ever wanted, i love(d) being alone laying on the couch, smoking weed not doing shit, forgetting everything about everything, and i dream of it. so its like the universe said ok here you go, take it live in it, be stuck in it, cause this is the last time your gonna get to have it. things are seriously changing for me and things wont ever be like this again, just me and sof on the couch on foggy ass days in humboldt. they are going to be gone for good. so im meant to really enjoy this time alone doing nothing with sofia. so i am trying to.

then there was this whole idea about the scale of love and giving up and settling because you lose some stuff no matter what. its time to compromise and accept things. i have to totally accept eric for who he is, 100% i cant let small things bother me forever, i either accept them or i dont. its all i ever want in life is to be accepted and loved fully for who i am, and so i think thats what i need to do for whomever i choose to spend my life with. now it may not be eric. i have to wait until he is here and see where the scales lay. right now they are so on the bad sides of him, because its all im getting to see. i need to see when hes here if being around him, and him in person is heavier than that other side. if its enough for me to overlook some of this stuff. i will not know that until we are around each other. its just such a good thought and theory for me to be thinking about. there are issues like his dog, but after a few weeks of hanging out will i even notice anymore? i may, i may not. i just want him to come here and spend time with me. im scared to ask him when he plans on coming because im scared hes gonna say something like well i have to save up a lot of money and find a place first and i cant really do that yet, because i was supposed to stay with you while i did that but you told me i couldnt anymore. its my biggest fear. part of me wants to take it back and part of me thinks i need to keep it to keep myself.

tibora said something today about how her boyfriend doesnt know how to be on a team, all the activities he does are alone, surfing, skateboarding, etc..,and then i thought about how i am the same. im not into sports or activity, but if i were im sure it would be alone ones too. we both need to learn how to share and give ourselves to someone else. i know i do. i dont know how to let anyone else, be with me. i need someone who is going to help me get through that and not want to run away. someone who will keep me in line and care enough to be honest and call me out when im acting like a selfish asshole, which im sure i will do often. its always been me, i have had to take care of myself, protect myself, have this armor to survive, and i dont need it anymore, but i dont know how to let it go. i know i just need to let it go.