choices

i was thinking tonight about my recent choices. like how i could have watched broken social scene at the fillmore, and took a nice road trip and chilled out, but what did i do instead? i slept till 11ish, sat online, went to breakfast got high chilled then went to dinner and arts alive..this is where it gets weird. so i met up with this dude colin whos friends with my friend andy who i hung out with both of them last night. andy was supposed to go to arts alive, and bailed, so he gave me colins number and i was semi siked cause i thought maybe i could get into colin, but sadly i was wrong. the arts were cool, but yet awkward the whole time. it felt like a bizarro date that i didnt plan on. he had his friend with him, so i guess he was the wing man or whatever. i got along better with the wingman than colin. anyways so we run into these other dudes who invite us to go eat with them, and this is where i should have bailed, but didnt. i wanted to hang out more and be involved, it was more weird. the two dudes we met up with were making jokes 10th grade boys would talk about and it was just weird. i tried to get involved by joking too, and it semi worked. i was kind of funny but not really. im not as funny when im not drunk. i gotta work on that. anyways, so then after dinner its like 10 so colins like i wanna get drunk lets go to arcata and go to the bars, so we go and its me, him and his friend sitting at the bar. suppperrr uncomfortable. super duper weird. like pulling teeth for conversations. i kind of blame myself, because i hate the bars, i dont have fun there, and i barely know these people, and i dont drink so its painful. finally i leave and i come home and the song on the tv is broken social scene and twitter posts about it, etc. im so bummed i made the wrong choice. it just didnt make sense financially and timing wise. there is nothing i can do about it. its all good. i realized something good though, if i dont feel comfortable with a dude right off the bat, its stupid to think things will ever change. they wont. there is no chemistry. that is that. i also choose to not hang out with the family and the two visitors who are down till monday. one is kris' friend from bend oregon and she brought her daughters friend with her, and we should have hung out, i bet they had fun. they said they were going to sleep, but i bet they had a blast, while i was just weird. it was nice to go to arts alive but i ran into my boss while i was super high, hope it wasnt as weird as i thought it was. there was a weird moment when i met his daughter who is like 2 years old, and she was like daddy i wanna go home, so it was a quick hello, but never the less i still feel weird and upset with myself. i need to exude confidence so that i act and look as in control as i am. i give my power up so quick. so fucking quick. its an issue i need to deal with, esp when it comes to dudes. im like whatever you want to do, blah blah. i hate it. well i guess all i can do is take what i learned and hope i make better decisions next time im faced with them.