window seat

man im back home and its fucking weird to me. i dont know how to feel i just feel weird. i am home alone, and i am alone again. as much as i usually want this feeling, i kind of hate it. i liked being surrounded by people who love me and i love. i feel sad. i feel lonely. i feel confused and scared.

on my drive up from la to sf, i had an epiphany about my life, and i decided to start this project tomorrow. it is fucking crazy too. it is me doing everything i put off doing. i am spending 30 days sober and healthy. no weed, no drinking, no meat, and everything everything i put off, i am doing. my house will be clean, just the silly things too, like flossing, or washing my face, or stretching all are going to be done. i woke up this morning really scared about it. it is a total fight between me and my willpower. i am going to battle the fuck outta myself. its going to be so hard, i havent taken a more than a few days off weed ever. this is going to be 30 full days of no weed at all. i bet it will get easier through out the month, but the first week is going to be so hard, and its going to be hard to be around people. but i am siked for the result. i want to prove to myself that i can do it. because i know i can, i can do anything i want to do and its a good time to actually show that to myself. i smoke so much fucking weed i dont even know what i think anymore. i think maybe weed has made me confused about a lot of stuff, and it makes me so lazy. i put so much stuff off, because of pure laziness, id rather sit on the couch and get high, then do them. or i act like im tired, which i bet i will be for a while, but its time. its time to buck the fuck up and be who i can be. i have such potential and i dont show it at all. i will be a better person after this whole thing. it will show me so much about myself. i feel like its a great process to go through and deal with. i am going to video record myself and blog about it everyday. maybe even make it a book later. who knows. i need to do something new, because my old ways arent working for me anymore. its time for a drastic change in my life.

fucking a.