its incomplete without you...

so much family around its wild. i realized all this weird stuff about them all individually lately, and about myself too. i think i havent spent this much time around my family since i was a little kid and we all went up to the mountains. we all have just gone about our lives and done our own things and all are our own people. the thing i realized about myself is that i am kinda stuck up or judgie on certain topics. my aunt michelle is the worst with just normal interactions with people, acts weird, says things she shouldnt, no common sense when it comes to what is proper to say or not to say, and it got me thinking because i kept correcting her, or we all would make faces, but isnt she the free one? its so weird that yet again balance comes into play. its like yes she should do and say what she thinks, but there is a time and a place. i felt bad about being so mean to her, or making faces or feeling annoyed. she was so happy flying all the way cross country to see her nieces play and just be somewhere different. i didnt give her enough credit for any of it. all i did was think about how annoying and white trash she is going to be. i need to learn how to stop judging situations and just let people be, because its all i want. i want to feel non judgement and be accepted for who i am, all the time. these are good lessons for me to learn.

i talked to b last night on the actual phone, and it made a difference to me. i think i could kind of pretend he wasnt real, but once i spoke to him, i felt it all again. it all came flooding back to me. i really am fighting this one, and hard, but somehow i keep coming back to it. i think its because i havent been around him. i think this actually bothers me a million times more than i let on. i dont sit around and think about it though, i just try to go with the flow.

1130pm cont--
so tonight i had some weird conversations about life, love marriage, trust, communication, sex, all those things that relationships are made out of, and it really made me appreciate b. i just felt so lucky to have him who is so openly into me, and communicates it, and want to do cute things for me, and treats me like a lady, and really appreciates me as a person and accepts me, and i forget sometimes that not everyone has this special relationship. even though we havent seen each other or had sex, this is the best i could wish for for this point in our situation.i dont know why i keep questioning this shit, its so obvious and amazing..he told me this morning he feels like the luckiest person in the world because he gets to hear from me everyday. how fucking cute is that? i never have had someone tell me these things, and if they did i didnt know what they really meant or how important they actually were. i have someone who thinks about me all day long, who waits for my texts, and wishes for me to sing them to sleep, so they can dream about me. crazy. the craziest part is i do the same fucking things. i look at my phone seriously like every 20 minutes if not more. i hear his bing, and my heart drops for a second. this has become such a normal routine in my life, and it just feels right. i need to stop thinking so much and just keep going with the flow, because its worked well for the past 7 weeks, why fuck it up now?

silver soul wrecks me. its like getting into a hot tub, like after you just sink your whole body in, how the hot water surrounds you and just makes you melt. thats how i feel when i hear that song.