im a dancer im a dancer im a dancer

i dont even know how i feel right now, but i feel the need to blog something. i feel the need to express myself. i feel weird. i feel uneasy, i feel broke, i feel nervous, i feel scared, i feel relief, i feel anxious, i feel confused i feel cold, i feel lazy i feel hungry i feel i feel i feel

i feel so much all the time, i sometimes like to check out and feel nothing. right now i feel like the middle of those things. i feel so much but yet nothing at all. its like im on a come down all the time. this shit with b is crazy and it makes me feel so many different emotions all the time. i feel so dope about it, then i wake up and get scared again. every day i wake up and say oh my god what the fuck are you doing!!! but then as the day goes on i let myself fall back into it and fall right back into like, love, confusion, etc. its wild. i just want to feel happy all the time about it and have one feeling and feel confident in this situation i am in. he told me today that every body else is going to be jealous because im his best friend and they cant be. its shit like that that gets me that bothers me, it makes me feel pressure, not happiness. is that weird? is that fucked up? i dont even know. its so hard since we live so far apart and dont get to hang out nor know if we will be attracted to one another. its really confusing. i think part of me hides how i feel because of that..also a lot of the songs that remind me of r remind him of me. its weird and makes me feel weird. very fucking weird. r is so special to me, in so many ways and holds such a special spot inside me and he exists in me.

oh my god, im listening to in the flowers by animal collective, which is a song that is me and r 100 percent to me. he made me this video a long time ago to show me his bedroom, and it had this song on in the background, and knowing r, he made it that way..so when i listen to this song i think of him so much, and the lyrics and everything else makes sense. but ive been noticing that b has been listening to it a lot too..and im listening to it now, and listening closely and i know b is listening to it for me! it makes me feel so fucking weird and creepy. i hate it. i think i need to tell b about r. its one of the only things i havent shared with him yet. he knows nothing about r at all. i dotn even think ive mentioned his name once. but i think i have just put r on the shelf since this whole thing has happened to me, but its still there inside me. i feel its so unfinished, so up in the air still, which is weird, because i know r cant give me what i need at all. he doesnt have it in him to give me the love and attention i need. if he did we would be together, end of story. but it doesnt stop me from having these intense feelings for him at all. he fills me up in a way i can not describe, and i know nobody else will be able to do the same thing, and that fucking drives me nuts. why do we always have to not have it all? why cant one person fulfill us in whole? why is there always a piece of us that is with someone else? is it human nature? it is just life? is it just me and the people i know who feel this way or is it everyone in the world? does everyone feel like they can not get 100 percent from their partners? how are we supposed to live happily ever after if we arent fulfilled in full? i dont get it. this question actually has just fucked me up so much.i never really thought about it until now and im losing it. this question is sad, lonely and depressing.

and now i am.