dream on...

so i realized that my dreams are a lot more realistic now that im not smoking, but i do wake up foggy and like i smoked an ounce the night before. its just that my dreams are so real, so so real. i had a dream last night that me and my freind were being chased and tryin to hide out, like in the movies, and the dude who was chasing us ran by us but then saw me not hiding out so well, and came in and started to pull us out, but then oddly enough he all had a drink together, and we were at a bar out of nowhere. i got a drink and so did my friend, (who my friend is i have no idea, it was a girl, im assuming jenni) then the dude ended up being my boyfriend, and we were together, and i remember specifically in my dream thinking why am i dating this dude who was chasing us and trying to kill me? its so weird. then we flash to us in a trader joes, me and all my friends and there was a recording studio going on in the back and my friend jon was there recording, and my first boyfriend dominic was there and was leaving with stacey grande and her boyfriend, and i was being super weird..like bouncing all over the place and dominic thought i was crazy, so he was leaving with a mic he lent jon. thennn me and jenni were standing there, and nicky rolled up because we were at matts art show, and he walked up and jenni went to me, he turned around didnt he? and i was like yup, it was like real life. he went and talked to someone else, then was like hey jenni i heard you were in la this weekend, and didnt even hit me up, and you were like sorry man, and i asked him which part of town he lived in and he never answered because i woke up. how fuckign weird? i never remember so much detail, or have such vivid dreams.

im getting really annoyed with b lately, i wish i knew what switched inside me. i was so into it, and then boom! i go to la and im over it, like over it. but i just feel different all together really. i feel like a huge switch was turned off or on inside me and im a new woman. like all things in the past that werent set in stone are out. same with r, i talked to him the other night, and didnt even care about one word he said to me. it was all bullshit. it was all the same drama he always was talking about, just to talk i feel like. hes so concerned about the future, i feel like its so he can complain and get sympathy or something. but i didnt do it, i told him he will regret spending so much time thinking about the future that he wont get to really live his present. then i signed off. he is a waste of my time. i guess im starting to think b is too. he just talks about the same shit too, about how he is, or what he thinks or does. and its all negative, its all going nowhere, no change at all. just so closed off from people, and how weird he is, and his relationship with certain parts of philadelphia and how hes going to spend time alone and be weird in philly. it just is annoying me now. i dont know how i ever fell for it. i guess he was my savior from r, and being obsessed with r, but i lead him on. he was my rebound i suppose. wow he really was! he was my fucking rebound!!!! man it makes a lot of sense. i need to stop even wasting my time talking to dudes or getting close to them right now. its a waste of my time and theirs. i think i need to not get so caught up, and just keep that shit on the side, maybe make out a few times and bounce. i realize i have power and i dont need to do what they want, nor do i need to go on dates or feel weird telling them im not interested.

man something switched for reals.