marathon (wo)man

last night i was on the phone with b for 7 hours, 7 fucking hours. isnt that crazy? i dont think i have ever in my life talked on the phone for 7 hours in a row. its bananas. it seems unreal and unlikely. i wonder to myself, what the fuck did we even talk about for 7 hours? how did we keep that thing going without getting bored? is this going to continue this way? i kind of dont want it to. i like the funness of not talking so much sometimes too or maybe im just freaking out a little bit today. i woke up and felt scared and unsure of it all, all of a sudden. yesterday i was on cloud nine and today im freaked out a little. the conversation started weird, i felt weird a bit. i was kind of bitchy and he was kinda weird himself. we got into long drawn out talk about the future again, and how he feels like all the stuff he tells me and learns from me he only will share with me for the rest of his life. he never thought he would with anyone, except someone special, and i am it. i didnt realize the intensity of it last night when we were talking, but today i do. hes pretty much telling me, he never planned on being so open with anyone, except the one he would be with forever, and it seems to be me. even though we have only been talking for 6 weeks. what a fucking intense 6 weeks too! they always say if you can make it past that mark, then things are good, and you obviously like one another. and i do believe in some ways i will marry him, and some times i think we will be all good,and then try to have sex and it wont work. it just wont be right. thats my newest fear. because i dont think hanging out will be weird anymore, i just am scared about the sex thing. but i shouldnt worry about it at all. because its so far away, and who knows as of yesterday i was convinced that it would be the most passionate sex ever. so im just crazy. he is everything ive been looking for in one person. everything i ever have wanted he possess. and its funny as i write that i smile, and my stomach did a flip flop and i get giddy inside. so yeah i guess im just freaking out a little bit due to the intensity and seriousness of this all.

today is also a big day for me. i am starting my internship at the commercial radio station here. its the alternative rock station, which is gonna be awesome. but i am scared. its my first "real" job in like 3 and a half years. its scary starting something new. i feel like my life is falling into place a bit, and its just creepy. cause its all new and shiny and im waiting for the other shoe to drop, and i think thats why i freak too, cause there is no shoe anywhere in sight, so i have to make one up. but that was so 09 of me, this is 10 and 10 is different for me. my birthday is tomorrow, and it seems so weird. it doesnt seem right. i usually am so concerned with my birthday and this year i feel like its just gonna come and go and it will be so uneventful. i think really the scariest part about this whole thing is how much its pulled me away from my life here. like i need to get out of fantasy land and back to real life. i need my time at night, i think i need to take it back. but this spell will be broken soon enough, cause im going to la on thursday for 9 days pretty much so i wont have the time to chat so much. it will be a well needed break. i dont want to feel overwhelmed by him and vice versa. i still cant believe im in this situation at all. where did it come from? how did it happen? where is it going? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont know, but i know i like it. i know i woke up this morning disappointed that there wasnt a message from him, and i would be bummed if i didnt hear from him all day. i just need to chill the fuck out.

its all going to be okay.