so tonight i was in a weird position. i knew that if i called this old friend of mine, old feelings would arise and i would feel weird about my current relationship, which i have been kinda jazzed on the past few days..so i decided to tell him that i couldnt talk, oddly enough we ended up ichatting for 3 hours. in those 3 hours we discussed it all, and he pretty much told me that if i lived there we would be dating, and its what he wants to do. can you fucking believe it? after 4 years he finally decides to tell me this, but yes there is a but..this is after i told him i was dating someone else. this bothered him beyond belief and he openly told me so. it was all laid out on the table tonight. i said sentences like i think even if both of us married people, 10 years later you would still be on my mind..him discussing how he sees us at communion parties, me saying how i see us at his parents house watching football and eating wings. we are way compatible there is no question there at all. where is the problem in this you may be thinking? well the problem is that i know its all bullshit, tonight i realized all of it is bullshit..he wants me now because he cant have me, but if he could have me he would freak out. he said if he had the chance to make out with me, he knows it wouldnt just end there, and i agree in many ways, but dont as well. he said that there really is only two ways around this, 1-stop talking, 2-taking the leap and start dating. neither of us are ready for either, so we are still in limbo. i thought i was ready for him, i thought at any minute if he asked me to date him i would jump for joy and do so, but tonight i realized i was wrong. tonight i realized how much i actually do like brian.
he asked me all about brian and i kept blowing it off saying it was nothing, and it was just something to keep me busy, yada yada, but when i was done talking to him i realized that was all a lie. none of that was true, i was saying it because its what i do with him. we both fully bullshit each other to the point of craziness. i knew this would happen tonight since he had such an emotional day. im his go to girl, his girl who he has deep emotional connections to, the girl who is 3000 miles away and has no chance of ruining his perfect little life out there. i put it out on the table, but none of it is really true. i mean dont get me wrong if i decided to move home i would love to try it out with him, but its not happening. we both have this idea in our heads of how it was, the magic that we felt 4 years ago. who knows what it would be like today. who knows if it would really work. all i know is i gotta live for the now, and today and love the one im with. he is a good guy, and i see how we can grow closer, and all those little things that i hate about him are just me being scared, and me being mean to him is my defense mechanism to see if he really likes me enough, its like can i torture him enough to leave, or is he gonna stick it out? its a fucked up game i play, and at least i realize it. the other boy asked me tonight if im obsessed with new guy, and i lied and said no. but i totally am. he is all i think about, every time my phone beeps i wish it was him, im counting down the days till sunday when i see him again. i just want to be in his presence, i dont even care what we do. im really starting to fall for him i think. and conversations like today oddly make that stronger, where as i thought it would make it worse.
glad i was wrong.
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