man i really woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, or really fell asleep in the wrong mood. im starting to really think that things arent working between me and brian. i dont think he really likes me, and hasnt this whole time, so thats why i really never felt like i could get into this relationship. he doesnt do anything to make me feel special at all, doesnt tell me im pretty, i think hes said it once. im pretty sure this is just one of those situations where sex is being confused for feelings. i need someone to take me out and do things, and not just hang out with me at night time and fuck. this whole time i thought it was me with too many walls and shit, but really its because of him and his walls. i havent seen his house, weve been on one date, gone to one show and out to brunch once. and its been a month. what the fuckkk. im just glad that i figured it out. he also was making me sacrifice too much, like my side of the bed and sharing food..these are things im not willing to give up, its kinda like he came into my world and stuck his claim all over the place, but isnt giving me anything for it besides sex. the one thing i dont know is how to go about ending this. what do i do? what do i say? why am i so scared? is it because im so used to be treated like shit that i expect this? did i bring this on myself? i know i deserve and need more than this, why cant i just ask? is it because i feel like its not possible to get from him? or do i feel like its not possible to get from anyone? why cant i just have a guy who fucking showers me with love and emotion? who actually really likes me for me and wants to know everything about me? who wants to learn about me and my life and actually seems like they care! i want someone to tell me their stories too and not just drug ones. i want that deeper understanding, ive realized that the last few guys its been the same problem, i hit a wall and them im done.
i guess i hit my wall..
fuck
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