the mind is a crazy place yo.

i came to the harsh reality today that i need to give up the ghost, the ghost of you know who..i let him in way too much and i dont know how to control myself when i talk or am around him. he has fucked me over so many times in so many ways and i keep coming back and i keep inviting more of the drama into my life. i confide in him, i let him see me in ways other people dont, i show him noodz, i mean man when the fuck am i gonna learn? i hate myself for it seriously. i cant even believe i was getting excited to maybe make out/have sex with him. why would i do that? ive waited this long to have sex with someone who loves me and cares about me, and i was ready to just give it all away to him? he doesnt respect or love me. we had something back in the day, and i fell for him but man o man am i falling again? i dont even know if thats what im doing or not. i dont know if im falling back in love with him or if im falling in the idea of having sex. i think im so deprived from it all that my mind gets all foggy and confused and just wants to have it. but on the flip side the good side is that i realized this way quicker than before. it only took me a few times of talking to him to realize it and the funny part is he made me remember. when i talked to him last night he made me feel weird and uncomfortable with myself because he i asked why he was being so quiet and he said well i already talked to you today, and that was that. i was done. it made me feel stupid and then it all came flooding back about how stupid he used to make me feel all the time. he doesnt want anything with me, all he wants is someone who he doesnt have to commit to, someone who he can fuck with and waste time, well im not that person. im done. i might not even go to that show anymore. i might say fuck it and stay home. id like to hang out, but really do i want to? isnt it going to be weird? i think if jon and amy are there it will be better, but otherwise its gonna be weird. its so funny how you can convince yourself of stuff when you really want something or someone. the mind is a crazy place yo.