so im a freak, i totally decided im a freak and i think too much and am way in my head too much. i have anxiety like a motherfucker and i dont know how to get rid of it. im so nervous about this new boy, and all the things that come along with it. i have all these questions like is he just into me sexual, does he think i want to hang out with him too much, does he think im smothering him, do i can too much? do i text him too often? is it annoying? am i annoying? is the only reason you deal with my annoyingness is because you know your gonna fuck me next time you see me? are you really tired? do you even want to go out in public with me? am i pretty enough, or just good for around here? do i entice your mind or is it totally my looks and or body? are we moving too quick? is this gonna fizzle out quickly? does it even fucking matter?
i keep telling myself that it doesnt matter, if i just hang out with this dude for a week or two at least i got to have sex and have my body feel good, and get over that, because it was really starting to bother me, it was consuming my thoughts and i just was feeling so out of touch, and then bam! here comes this hot ass dude, who wants to make out with me and wants to have sex with me and my semi skinny body. i have a belly, and i cant get rid of it, but he doesnt seem to mind. is this all too good to be true? is this why im freaking the fuck out? i literally try to think of reasons not to like him, or things that would annoy me and the worst part besides the fact that im trying to sabotage it is that i couldnt find anything. nothing annoyed me, nothing weirded me out, nothing made me hate him. well im not so down with his clothing, but im going to fix that at some point, by buying him some jeans that fit his hot body. anyway, there was nothing negative about him, and the things that i did think or were excused immediately. i really like him and it scares the fucking shit outta me. i am so scared to get fucked over, i am so scared to let myself go and just feel it and feel love or the act of love. im scared to show too much just in case its not what he needs or wants, im scared to lose myself and lose what i do. today i told myself that i need to keep being me, and go along with this shit and hang out when we hang out, but not to think of it too much and just fucking go day to day.
on a lighter note why is the arcade fire such an amazing band? they are so fuckin good.
every spark of friendship and love will die without a home..
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