papa don't preach..

so a lot of feelings have been coming up around me and my dad lately..it started when my friend was getting upset because he never really taught me how to grow plants and garden properly..he kind of just let me do my own thing, and then the electric in my house is all fucked up too. i just feel like hes never really been a dad to me, and now he is, but hes not. he is my father, but hes not a dad. he never really taught me anything, and always is on my ass about using my degree and all this crap about going to college and using those skills so tonight when i went over there i told them that i got an interview with a radio station around here to be their intern and all this stuff and he pretty much just went cool dude. that was it. like could i get some support? some praise? or is it too late? does he think im too old and should be in those positions already? or this is how im trying to think about it, because its how i always do. none of this is my fault. im living my life, doing what makes me happy and sorry if its not 40 hours a week at some shitty job i hate making no money. i would rather be doing what im doing, even though im broke as fuck i feel like im happy. im so much happier than i would be at a full time job. i just never have had support from my parents ever really. i mean my dad has hooked me up with money when i was in dire straits but he cut me off which is cool, but ever since he has been more of a good friend than anything. i try to talk to my step mom about it all and she always has an excuse for him, like oh hes been sick, or not feeling good, or hes had a rough week or month blah blah blah and then she does the same thing with blake too,and i realized she has to. she has to think like that or she would probably leave. i mean part of me thinks ignorance is bliss, but then again being happy is the most important thing in life. and it does come down to balance. but all this does is make me realize what type of relationship i have to have in my life, and how i want things to go. i dont want to have to make excuses for my family i want to talk about things when they happen and never let it get to that point. i want to be able to say yo what the fuck? why dont you seem siked for me? i wish i could have said that tonight, but i couldnt. i could not wait to leave that place tonight after dinner. i just felt like i would be better off by myself, and i was right. its how i deal with everything, just go be in my own space and man im getting sick of it. i need to learn how to stand up to them at these situations and tell them that it hurt my feelings. i think the reason i havent done this yet is because im pretty sure i would get the same reaction for that, it would be so unfulfilling honestly. he would go oh im sorry, im totally into that blah blah. he was kind of like that for his birthday too, i made him this awesome thing took all his old dead tickets and made this awesome art piece with it, and he gave me the "cool thanks dude" part of it is its just who he is. its just him, he doesnt really know how to be any different, but arent people supposed to be able to change and fix the things that dont work? or is that a thing that i do and i expect other people to do it just because i did it...but then i think thats putting myself down kind of because im like well if i could you could, im the bottom of the barrell and if i can do it you totally should be able to, but the truth is not everyone is as strong as i am and can find it in themselves to change like i can. its so easy for me, i want to be a better person and am alway searching on ways to better myself and learn and become the person iw ant to be..wow that was empowering to just type those things out. awesome!