the spell is finally broken

i did it! i did the deed that 1 year and 10 months ago i last did and had a horrible panic attack and a terrible situation in front of me..ive lived through these months lonely and bored, and even sometimes forgetting what its like to even feel that way towards somebody else. i totally had myself in this tiny ass box and never let anyone in, or close enough to me to do that..well except that freak aaron, but thats a whole other story, which ultimately ended just as poorly..but this situation is different, its weird because its not like i feel like im going out with him i feel like we are just hanging out and having sex. i sometimes even wonder if he really likes me or how we will even take this to a level thats outside of my home. i wonder what life is like out there with him, will it be weird? is he going to introduce me to his friends? am i going to be that girl who just stands around? what is gonna happen? how is he to wait staff? he is nice and kind? does he make bad jokes? will i be embarrassed by him? will he not want me around? we defiantly have been moving pretty quickly, today i mentioned karaoke and he said what that was like two weeks ago right? i said nope, that was last tuesday, and i could tell that he was a bit freaked out. this has been moving pretty quickly, we are a little too comfy with each other for it to work i think. i think slow and steady is what wins the race, but hey fuck it, this is fun right now and maybe its getting me ready for something else, who knows or cares. well i guess i do. kind of. i guess somewhere in my head i want this to be something, i think it would be cool to have a real boyfriend, but i feel like i cant think that way about this one..it doesnt seem like its what he wants, he doesnt tell me im pretty or even ever compliment me, can i live like that? no. but then i was thinking maybe hes holding back since its been so quick, but i mean we had sex 5 times i think its cool to compliment me. i actually even asked if we were gonna go on our date this week, and he said why do we still have to, we already are doing this..meaning sex, so that was off putting for me to be honest. like why dont i deserve a date? im trying to back off kind of, im glad jon and amy are coming tomorrow, because that means we probably wont have sex again until the weekend, and he is supposed to come hang out with us tomorrow night, but who knows if that will even work out. i dont know what jon and amy are going to want to do..maybe just hang out and get high. but there is no point in him coming over here, if they are here, i dont have a bedroom door, there is no privacy at all in this house!

i dont know what to even think anymore. im just confused, and have never really been in this situation with an open mind like this..i mean i have been in this situation, but i never have my eyes open, i always think oh they are so into me! blah blah and i get all wrapped up, but then i get screwed over or fall head over heels and never notice that they never really liked me in the first place and we were just fucking. i always was so naive, not this time, i am on high alert..this is all good practice. for what i dont know, but for something im sure.

i have the worst sunburn on the front half of my body. it looks funny.