confusion

i feel so confused about my situation with that boy. we were talking a lot but now we havent really had a conversation in over a week. i know its not that long,but we text everyday and all that, but why wont we talk? why do we keep just talking about nonsense?? i want to go deeper, and i want to tell him this, but we havent talked on the phone. im really trying to give him his space, and let it go at his speed, because it seems he is the one who needs to want to be in a relationship, not me. im ready. im ready to jump in with him, and see where this goes. im willing to go up there and stay with him as much as it takes to see if were supposed to be together, and i feel like he is too on another level. he just isnt ready. hes still partying, and going out every night and flirting with other girls, and busting on them, and whatever else hes not telling me. im not doing any of that. in a way im kinda waiting for him, but not really because i havent been offered anything else, but honestly i might go on a another date just to keep my options open.

part of me knows that im bringing a lot of my past into this situation. we arent even really in a situation i suppose. weve never kissed, we arent dating, all we are really doing is talking. thats it, and i need to remember that. he doesnt owe me anything, he wont do anything unless he really wants to. its frustarting though, because i am constantly over reading everything, and wonderig if he likes me anymore or not. i know all this is from my last boyfriend, who constantly used me and never let me know if he really liked me or not, and im bringing those feelings into this. i hate it but i dont know what else to do honestly. i am trying to chill myself out, so that i dont fuck things up. i know i can and very easily, its what i do to all the dudes that come into my life, i always freak out and then say and do dumb ass things. i read so much into everything. im really really trying to be different with this one. its kind of simple in this situation actually, because he told me he likes me, he told me he wants to take it slow, he remembers cute things i tell him, and he texts everyday. he really has given me no reason to think he doesnt like me. i make it up. well the whole not getting into deep conversations is pretty big to me. i want to know him so bad, i want his stories of his life, and the things he went through. why is he not letting that happen? or am i just freaking out and it will happen organicly?? i have to be patient in this, i know it. i feel like this could really be good once we get through this rough period. i feel like we need it or something. the other thing i feel like we are gonna go through some mad drama at some point, and then things will work out. but its so gay cause its so in the movies, but it happens especially when people arent ready, but really are and are just scared.

"theres nobody else here, no one like me. im special. so special. i gotta have some of your affection, give it to me!"

feeling good..

man the past few days ive really cleaned house..literally and mentally/spiritually. its so crazy when you just do things because your body needs you to. yesterday i felt so weird, so unsettled, so what did i do? i sat down and drew a few pictures, then wrote in my journal for a while and also listened to music, like listened to it. not just in the background. it was awesome, i felt fulfilled by the time i went to bed..then today i woke up and just started cleaning a lot! i cleaned my whole kitchen, and bathroom did the dirty dirty cleaning. scrubbed away all the nastiness. oh and two days ago i cleaned off a table that was filled with a bunch of shit, and re put together my stereo system that ive been putting off. its weird when this shit happens. ive purged myself and my surroundings. i love it. i love how the universe makes you do things you totally need to do. if we just followed them more often we would be golden.

tonight i took an amazing bath. it was probably the best bath i ever had. it was hot and comfy and relaxing. i had a few candles lit and jazz music playing. i spend most of the bath with my ears under the water just being a person. just being. it was nice. i did a lot of thinking too. i realized that this is my last year as a bacholorette. its a weird concept, especially since im technically single. but when i tell you i just feel it with every part of my body, i do. the thing that sucks is i remember writing the same things about rickie, and i was wrong. he and i had a wonderful connection, one that was more intense than i can even say, but it didnt work out. we werent meant to work out, but this situation i feel is. i feel like im closing one door and opening another soon enough.

the whole idea of grad school popped up and im really concidering it. for the past 4 years ive been anti grad school, but i think i could totally do it! i need to put my time and energy somewhere and i cant get the career i kinda want without more schooling. i really like that radio program i read about, ive thought about it all day today. all i have to get over is the gre's which i know i can. i need to just do it! to be in school would give me a few more years of not paying student loans, and also further my future options for a career. masters is the bottom of the line, but not as much as a bachelors degree is. i just overall feel like im heading in the right direction one way or another. the cool thing about being in school is that i could drive up to humboldt anytime i need to work or see the family. i could get a cute place in berkeley and take the bart to school and work some part time job, or none at all. who knows, i just feel like im heading the right way.

positive vibrations

shade and the black hat..

there is something so fucked up going on these days. i feel like since the year started ive been stuck with all this drama. i havent had real drama in years, and maybe thats why im having so much of it now, since i havent had to deal with it, and i never worked on it. i dont even know how to respond in these issues anymore either. i mean i guess im responding the same way i always did; scared, no backbone, intimidated, feel like less of a person. ive always felt like things were my fault when someone was mad at me, and i always try to fix things when people are mad at me, but recently ive realized that i feel bad for nothing. an example is: this dude who i made out with once, keeps calling and texting me. i saw him out the other day, and i was polite and just said hi and walked away, a week later he texted me asking why i was so weird when i last saw him. i had all this stress about what to write back to him. i didnt care that i was rude to him (which i wasnt) but i felt like i needed to explain myself to him. but i was reminded by my co-worker that i didnt owe him shit. he wasnt anyone to me and who the fuck cares if i was rude to him or not. he didnt deserve any type of explaination. he was right. totally right. how come i cant think like that every day? why do i always feel so guilty and scared? is it my upbringing? i am kind of sick always blaming things on how i was raised, and how my mother treated me, but is it true? did it really affect me this bad? i guess it did.

i also feel like the universe keeps having a plan for me, and im going through the steps or something. like i feel like ive been through phases of crazy shit that keeps happening, and it all goes away once i get it, and then its the next thing that sticks around, its kinda crazy. i like it in a way. i feel like i have a purpose, ive always felt like i have a purpose. im meant to do good in this life, and im meant to have the things i need. ive always have what i needed, i always get by, i always make it work. nothing ever keeps me down for too too long. and the most important part is that i learn from it all. everything i learn from, even though it used to take me quite a while to keep making the same mistake, but it was meant to. i need to stop worrying so much deep down, because i have a path and i need to just trust it and keep on going.

im scared about my future still. i dont have a plan. i have so many ideas, but dont know where to go with them. i need help and dont know how or where to ask for it. i need to go through with my thoughts and plans, just fucking do it, and i never seem to. i always have plans, ideas, thoughts, goals they never go anywhere ever! i never fucking do any of it. i think its cause i dont know how, and dont know where to go its very frustrating! ahhhhhhhhh

crack a bottle

im feeling very very disapointed today. i feel confused. i feel upset, mislead, used, hurt, stupid, naive, exposed, gullible, played out, i could go on and on, but i wont. after this blog i wont talk about it anymore. i refuse to spend time on situations longer than needed. ive done it my whole life, and i dont want to do it again. im grown now, im 30 years old and everything before now was practice, its time to put things into play and not fuck around. no more fucking around. its all about being myself and being true and honest and surrounding myself around people i love and care about it,and who feel the same way for me. im not going out of my way anymore for people who dont deserve it. im not going to be overly nice, and just take peoples shit. im a sassy tuff talking bitch from philly, yo! hahah it felt good to just feel that way for just the time it took me to type that sentence. fuck dudes who arent man enough to just say they arent that into you. i need to go see that movie i guess. i seriously dont know why he wouldnt call me all day. it doesnt make any sense.fuck it. fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it fuck it itttttt fucckcccccckkkkkkk! fuck fuck fuck. i thought this was the one, i was sure, super fucking sure. so sure, it all made sense, all the puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. all of them. it made more sense to me than so much shit in my life. i was so fucking sure that this was it, my life was heading in a good direction with this one, he got me on some weird level. he let me be myself, i never felt stupid once. not until today after i made that wonderful valentines day card. it was so cute, and i was so full of hope. so full of hope. fuck fuck fuckccccc i cant do this self degrading shit anymore.fuck it. its time to go to bed.

there's no place like home

after a long traveling session its nice to just be back home. im not there quite yet, but im dreaming of it. to have all my things, to not have to worry about being in someones space, or say the wrong thing, to just be alone i suppose. when i get like this is when i get scared about relationships. i feel like what if i cant deal, what if i feel like i have to comprimise myself too much?? i realized today that i put up with stuff most people wouldnt. i just suck it up, cause i think its stupid, but what if i said something about it and it actually stopped? wouldnt that be better? or would it just be rude? how do you know the difference? there is a fine line between respecting yourself and respecting others in many situations.

being in la makes me not want to live here. i mean its nice and everything, but there are too many people for me. everywhere we went there were a million people and it was loud, and people were bumping into you. its just not the type of life i want to live. portland, and berekely are up there on the list. its just so hard because i wont know where im supposed to live yet, it all depends on something cool that is going to come my way soon. all i can do is prepare and be ready when something comes knocking at my door, which im keeping my eyes peeled for. sometimes though i think about leaving humboldt and it seems so crazy, like there is nowhere else i can imagine living, but thats where the whole unknown thing comes into play. my life isnt going to the be the same at all, so i cant compare it to it. its weird. but so exciting, i really cant wait to see what is coming my way. i feel so positive and ready!! im so ready for a change.

tomorrow we are driving up to humboldt from LA and im kinda siked, kinda not. its a longgg ass drive, but road trips are fun when theres music and games and fun conversation, but things around here have been a tad bit stressful for me in a way its very weird for me. im feeling so much like myself in so many ways, but then im here and today i feel so self conscious it sucks. g is sick so hes being grumpy and n is making me feel weird cause im big mouth strikes again as she calls me. i accidently called someone a name that only she called him and it made her feel weird, but it was so innocent, and she doesnt really care anymore, but i am worried about it so much, its just always how its been. its all in me, i have control to stop myself feeling that way, but sometimes i just let it happen.

g just the godfather on, so im gonna go watch it.

two lives, one person..

so i realized i kinda live in two lives.. i have my philly life, and my california life. this isnt a new realization by any means, but it really came up this time for me. i would think about cali, and then feel super weird, it totally felt like a different life. it felt unreal to me. like i couldnt imagine going back to that. being in philly felt right, it felt comfortable, im not myself in cali. well thats wrong im myself more than i ever have, but i dont have the support system there, or the friends. i sit in and hang out with myself more than anything else, but in philly i have family to go visit, and friends to hang out with, and places to go shop, or just hang..its not like that in cali for me. thats why im moving. i need to get out of there, and start living life again.

california helped get me out of the negative world i was living in, it really made me a better person. i feel alive! i feel almost complete, the only thing missing is a man. but that is totally coming very soon, i feel it. nikole feels it too. im meant to fall in love very very soon. im siked.

And it Stoned me...

so last night i had this dream about Stoney. he comes in my dreams a lot actually. every single time it feels real, it feels like we are totally together hanging out. like when i wake up there is no way that was a dream, and im starting to believe that its not. i think he does come to see me. its not just memories, its real, in some world. last nights adventure was us hanging out in a hotel room. i wish i could remember what we talked about. but i know i was super tired and so was he..he was laying on my lap for a while and i was playing with his hair. the next scene was me waking up on some bed, with him and matt in another bed. they were watching tv. matt thought it was weird we were hanging out, so he came too. i feel really bad for matt, only him and marie know what happened in that car that night, and i have a feeling what they told us isnt true. or it may be. it must be so crazy to have to of scene your best friend laying dead in the street. i couldnt imagine the pain that he must feel every time he thinks about dan. matt is lucky to be alive, and so is marie. im sad dan didnt make it, but everything for a reason. maybe he was taken because he would never stop partying so hard, and end up dead anyway, so this was better for his family, and his memory. he was too good of a person. he always tried to stop doing drugs and drinking. he pulled himself away so many times, but it always chased him. he was strong, but that was stronger sometimes.

i have so many memories with him. the biggest was the drive across country. i wish i was more present during that time, but i was so fucked up. all i wanted to do was talk to matt, and i didnt want to live that adventure. i mean i did a lot but i wasnt so into it. i wasnt really there. the biggest one was when we were on the mountain top in arizona or new mexico..stoney made me get out of the car and climb up with them. it was so beautiful up there, so warm and magical. the sky was so vast, everywhere you turned you just saw sky and more mountain. they were all reddish color and it was unbelievable. he was a good friend of mine. i never in my left felt the pain that i did when i found out he was dead. ill never forget that day. ever. it shook me to the core, i actually fell down, i thought that just happened in movies but it happened to me. the craziest part was i saw it at the news station, i saw the breaking news and wondered if i knew the people inside. and it was my exboyfriend, his new girlfriend and my friend. i still get flashes of the car wreck, but only for a second, which is probably better.

ok im starting to get really sad, and i dont want to. i dont want to be sad, it happend a few years ago, and there is no way to change it, so i need to deal with it. and i like to think of it more positivly, like how awesome it is he comes to visit me in my dreams. i can still hear his voice too. i can see his chip tooth and his crazy ass hair, and see his pumas and how his pants sit in him, and his plain tshirt.

i miss you dan stone. you will always and forever be remembered by me as a good friend, and a good person. i love you always.