there's no place like home

after a long traveling session its nice to just be back home. im not there quite yet, but im dreaming of it. to have all my things, to not have to worry about being in someones space, or say the wrong thing, to just be alone i suppose. when i get like this is when i get scared about relationships. i feel like what if i cant deal, what if i feel like i have to comprimise myself too much?? i realized today that i put up with stuff most people wouldnt. i just suck it up, cause i think its stupid, but what if i said something about it and it actually stopped? wouldnt that be better? or would it just be rude? how do you know the difference? there is a fine line between respecting yourself and respecting others in many situations.

being in la makes me not want to live here. i mean its nice and everything, but there are too many people for me. everywhere we went there were a million people and it was loud, and people were bumping into you. its just not the type of life i want to live. portland, and berekely are up there on the list. its just so hard because i wont know where im supposed to live yet, it all depends on something cool that is going to come my way soon. all i can do is prepare and be ready when something comes knocking at my door, which im keeping my eyes peeled for. sometimes though i think about leaving humboldt and it seems so crazy, like there is nowhere else i can imagine living, but thats where the whole unknown thing comes into play. my life isnt going to the be the same at all, so i cant compare it to it. its weird. but so exciting, i really cant wait to see what is coming my way. i feel so positive and ready!! im so ready for a change.

tomorrow we are driving up to humboldt from LA and im kinda siked, kinda not. its a longgg ass drive, but road trips are fun when theres music and games and fun conversation, but things around here have been a tad bit stressful for me in a way its very weird for me. im feeling so much like myself in so many ways, but then im here and today i feel so self conscious it sucks. g is sick so hes being grumpy and n is making me feel weird cause im big mouth strikes again as she calls me. i accidently called someone a name that only she called him and it made her feel weird, but it was so innocent, and she doesnt really care anymore, but i am worried about it so much, its just always how its been. its all in me, i have control to stop myself feeling that way, but sometimes i just let it happen.

g just the godfather on, so im gonna go watch it.