shade and the black hat..

there is something so fucked up going on these days. i feel like since the year started ive been stuck with all this drama. i havent had real drama in years, and maybe thats why im having so much of it now, since i havent had to deal with it, and i never worked on it. i dont even know how to respond in these issues anymore either. i mean i guess im responding the same way i always did; scared, no backbone, intimidated, feel like less of a person. ive always felt like things were my fault when someone was mad at me, and i always try to fix things when people are mad at me, but recently ive realized that i feel bad for nothing. an example is: this dude who i made out with once, keeps calling and texting me. i saw him out the other day, and i was polite and just said hi and walked away, a week later he texted me asking why i was so weird when i last saw him. i had all this stress about what to write back to him. i didnt care that i was rude to him (which i wasnt) but i felt like i needed to explain myself to him. but i was reminded by my co-worker that i didnt owe him shit. he wasnt anyone to me and who the fuck cares if i was rude to him or not. he didnt deserve any type of explaination. he was right. totally right. how come i cant think like that every day? why do i always feel so guilty and scared? is it my upbringing? i am kind of sick always blaming things on how i was raised, and how my mother treated me, but is it true? did it really affect me this bad? i guess it did.

i also feel like the universe keeps having a plan for me, and im going through the steps or something. like i feel like ive been through phases of crazy shit that keeps happening, and it all goes away once i get it, and then its the next thing that sticks around, its kinda crazy. i like it in a way. i feel like i have a purpose, ive always felt like i have a purpose. im meant to do good in this life, and im meant to have the things i need. ive always have what i needed, i always get by, i always make it work. nothing ever keeps me down for too too long. and the most important part is that i learn from it all. everything i learn from, even though it used to take me quite a while to keep making the same mistake, but it was meant to. i need to stop worrying so much deep down, because i have a path and i need to just trust it and keep on going.

im scared about my future still. i dont have a plan. i have so many ideas, but dont know where to go with them. i need help and dont know how or where to ask for it. i need to go through with my thoughts and plans, just fucking do it, and i never seem to. i always have plans, ideas, thoughts, goals they never go anywhere ever! i never fucking do any of it. i think its cause i dont know how, and dont know where to go its very frustrating! ahhhhhhhhh