desperado..why dont you come to your senses?

i cant tell if im going crazy or not from lack of sex. is my mind making me think i need to do certain things so i can eventually get laid again? am i making decisions based on the proper thing? am i really supposed to move to los angeles? is that for real? i dont understand myself these days. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore, but i just feel stuck. the picture i get is me stuck in these clothes that are too tight for me, and im trying to get them off, but they are stuck on me. i took it as a metaphor for where im living and my current situation. but what if im wrong? what if i am actually making the best life for myself here, wait no fucking way. not a change. jesus christ i feel like a fucking skitz freak right now. im arguing with myself on a blog.

when i think of this place, so much good thoughts come, flooded with bad..when i think of living in la, it seems like it will all be good but i think im looking at it with rose colored glasses. im just so desperate to get out of here, im not really thinking of things. crime is one big thing. hollywood aint a good neighborhood..but then i think, well you lived in south philly in not a good neighborhood and you were fine. but right now i live where there is not even a chance of bad shit happening, i live in the middle of nowhere, but then i think im just overly protecting myself by thinking that. i do have a life up here, and i keep saying i dont, but i totally do. it may not be the life, i think i want, but its a life. i have friends, i have routines, i have jobs, i have family. the only thing missing is a boyfriend, and i wonder if i think that if i move i will have that part too, but will i have the rest? i guess i will but not in the same way, but then again nothing is ever the same. things are always different everywhere you go, even if you have the same scenario, there is no way for it to be exactly the same. i guess im scared of that change. what if i cant make it there, what if i dont fit in, what if i make bad decisions again? what if i do fall in love with someone who i shouldnt. i cant go down that road again, no way. but there is something pulling me there so badly and i just dont know if its because im dying for sex and a change, and some real connection to my past self. but my past self is me still. in some way. i feel like im losing the old me too much or something. maybe thats it. maybe im clinging onto this because its a piece of my other life but in this life. but it would be same in many ways, i could never change anyone. i can only change myself, which i totally have, but why do these thoughts still consume me? why do i need to feel like that? am i going through my 30 year old crisis?

but why not just jump in head first? why not give it a shot? i have the means to do so, i mean i will have the means to do so soon enough. i can totally just move without a thought, and im kinda not happy about that. i can leave places and feel like i have nothing holding me back, which is partially true. i dont have kids or a family, i just have me and sofia. but i can leave places and be okay with it always. ive done it so many times, when is it not going to be okay? when am i going to feel like i dont have to keep rambling on? because i totally am a rambler! i leave when i cant deal anymore, and i never let anyone in. im like that song desperado, the worst thing a person can be. when i heard that story about kurt and his friend, and how that song reminds him of her, i really think its me too. ive been out riding fences for too long now. the scariest part is "you better let somebody love you" its true for me. im really her. freedom, well thats just some people talking.

crap. i have deep shit going on still. im glad i smoked weed tonight, i wasnt going to because its monday, but i really felt like i should. i felt like i did my work for the day, and am doing more work tomorrow to further myself, that it was gonna be okay if i did. and this is why. it let my brain open up and let this shit out for this blog. i guess i just needed an outlet that i didnt really know i needed. i have been feeling down lately, but unsure why. thought it was from not smoking, or just coming back from LA but its not. ive been home for a while now, and i feel like i just left yesterday. im not back in my humboldt selt, and not sure i ever really will again.

its that little souvenir..

of a terrible year, that makes me smile..

this vacation has been a little crazy for me. ive been out of humboldt for offically one whole week now, and i dont really miss it at all. im actually bummed i have to go back there, not for the typical reasons of just wanting to stay away, its just what am i going back to? nothing. nothing at all. okay dont get me wrong, there is stuff and people there that i love, but there is really nothing totally keeping me there besides me being scared. im scared to leave there for many reasons, and one big one popped in my head today--its the first place ive ever lived thats felt like home. home in the sense, of safety, of it being mine, ive built a home and im scared to leave it.

everyone says i have to give up something to move, but i realized i have been giving up a lot to live there, a lot more than i realized. i guess i got all caught up in my comfortable life of not really working, and just doing my own thing, but there is so much world out there for me, there are so many people that i can connect with and be friends with. i get all confused that its not really the life i want, but i just think it is, but really its comfort again. i feel comfortable around people who have tattoo's and who listen to hardcore, or indie, and i feel right around them. they are my people. the scary thing about that is i have to find the right crowd of those people, because after my la trip i realized how easy it is to be drawn to that same old drug dealing, fighting, dirty, scrappy type of person. its hot to me, but its all i know. the nice guy doesnt cut it for me. he never has. they are right when they say the nice guy never wins, i used to think it was bullshit, but its true. some girls are just hardwired to be into a brut. and i happen to be one of them.

i decided today that i think i need to lay off the weed. i really think it will make a difference. i think that in doing so, i will have a clear mind and be more motivated to do things that otherwise i feel too "burnt" to do. i really want to get in good shape, and be healthier in my eating habits. i know i can do it, its just doing it. trying on clothes today i realized that i am out of shape and i dont feel comfortable in my own skin and i know it shows in what i wear. i hide myself too much. i dont want to do that anymore.

im so fucking sick of hiding who i am, and maybe thats why im also scared to move out of humboldt. i get to me be there. i dont have to impress anyone, or feel like i have to impress anyone. that is the one thing with my "comfy crew" of "my people" i do feel the need to show im supposed to be there, rather than just having the confidence of knowing im supposed to be there. i guess this is all just growing up, realizing these things and doing something about them. thats all we can do carry on.

seasick, yet still docked

im depressed. straight up.

ive been through so much this week, and havent really dealt with any of it. i honestly dont even know how to. i called tonight to set up an appointment for my therapist, but who knows when she is gonna see me. today angela told me that im still not really in my body, and i dont know how to get back in. i thought maybe in time, maybe im not ready to come back yet. i havent talked to anyone about being down except matt, and tonight he totally blew me off, and i totally needed him. i need someone i realized. all this sickness, and upsetness, and trauma i really need someone. i need support to be with me. im tired of being alone all the time.

ok so my body has been going through so much in the past week. i got a large tattoo on my back, then felt super out of it. chilled for a day, then natalie came out here, we did a few things, did some hiking, etc. then i get in a car accident, where im rear ended and now my body is totally fucked. then nat leaves. so much up and down, i cant handle it. and ive been having to work and not able to really relax and let myself heal at all. its been rough, really rough. i feel so alone and empty. i need to come back to reality and in my body, but at this point, im scared that im never coming back. i dont even know what happy is right now, and thats very unlike me. i am usually pretty happy and positive about everything, but not anymore and i hate it. i wish all this bad shit didnt happen to me this week. im still trying to figure out why..what is the universe trying to tell me? something obviously. there is a lesson in everything, and im dying to know what this one is. i just hope my therapist calls me back.

how do you feel today sister?

umm i havent quite figured that out yet blake..(at 6pm)

that pretty much sums me up. i dont know how to feel. i feel so confused and hurt and upset, but its funny cause most of the pain and hurt is from past relationships, which my current relationship is bringing up. i knew it would be hard with venus in retrograde, but man is it fucking me.

i understand why things went the way they did last night, and i even accept it and agree with most of it, but it was so hard to accept that last night when it was happening. it was like my defenses were up so high, which i was unaware of. i really freaked out and felt so denied, not paying any attention to the fact that he was saying things about how much better it will be when we do get to make out. but fuck when will that happen?

i also realized that im used to using my body to get guys to like me. im used to just sleeping around on the first date to just do it. im not really being true to myself when im throwing myself at a dude, i feel really weird about that aspect of this. i want to write him a letter. a handwritten letter explaining my dating past, and my fears, and why i feel the way i do and why i acted that way. but like j said he might not even have noticed you acting weird. and she also said that maybe i really freaked him out by being so blunt, i mean it feels like i must have said something to make him just blank out. he totally just left the conversation, and wasnt interested in talking anymore. i dont know if he just really wanted to fuck me and it was getting harder to do by the minute that he just wanted to leave, but either way i felt like shit. i wish he would just be as honest to me as i am to him. i do still think we are gonna make this work, thats the funny part. im not scared of loosing him. i dont think thats gonna happen, i do think we will continue to have these rough patches for a while. ugh, i do think it will be worth it one day. it is like a movie story, actually. the scarry part is that i know we will have to seperate for a while for it to work. that will be the hardest part, and im scared to see what brings us to that. i kind of think it will be me getting uber frustrated with the situation, and just being like yo i cant do this anymore, and give him the ultimatum and he will deny my request, we will go on for months not really talking and then he will swoop down and take me in his arms and we will have that first kiss! hhahahahah sike thats totally not gonna happen, but if it does, im totally psychic!
ok i gotta go to bed.

fuckkkkkk

so i had the worst night i could imagine.

i went on a date with you know who, it was awesome, we went and got a few drinks and then we were flirting pretty bad, he seemed real into me.. we had a couple drinks, then went somewhere else to get food, and i ate and while i ate we talked, and he was telling me that he wasnt allowed to date me etc, and i kept telling him thats not an ultimatam, its a threat then he told me that he wasnt ready. that was that. he wasnt ready, i didnt even know how to react to that, because i was uber honest with him and told him that i thought if we kissed tongiht it would answer a lot of shit because it would tell us if there was something there, but he wasnt ready to kiss me yet. why the fuck not???? not ready to kiss? what the fuck. so then after that he acted all weird, and was like lets just go, and i went with it, because he was no longer paying attention to me and i asked him what was up and he said nothing, i kept being like yo come back, you totally left whats up. nothing. we walked out and i was like yo seriously whats going on?? and he was like nothing, and i went yo i know your not tired its like 10 a clock and he couldnt answer, it was super weird and i left him at his car..then i fucking lost it. i freaked the fuck out and called one of my eagles buddies. i went to his house and on the way i had to pee super bad, so i pulled over and pee'd on the side of the road, while peeing a cop drove by and shined his light on me, i quickly got up and jumped in the car and spead to his house, i knew the cop was follwing me, but i knew i had a couple drinks and couldnt deal with a cop, so i flew to his house. i wanted to do drugs super bad and i knew he would have some, so i totally did it. i did a few. i felt like uber shit about myself, but i couldnt help it, i was so upset, so hurt i just needed to do drugs. i also smoked a ciggy. it was horrible. i went to the bar and i was so fucked up i hated every second of it, i had a glass of water and i decided to go home. i drove home super safe, paying attention to what i was doing 100 percent, but im so bummed soooo bummmmmmeeedddddddddddddd fuck fuck fuck.

i hate this bullshit. what the fuck? yo seriously, are you gonna do that to me? we live super far apart, and your gonna not be ready? i told him i wasnt really ready either but it was cool cause we lived so far apart. i guess it wasnt enough. i was super myself, i was totally honest and just me. and it wasnt good enough. will it ever be?

cant stop listening to interpol

i realized today while talking to a friend that maybe im freaking out a little bit in my situation. i kinda jump the gun and think shit is all crazy, but its only been like 3 days since we last talked, and there is no need to be so uppidty. i think i make this shit up, or maybe its due to my past with dudes making me chase them, and not calling me back and just blowing me off. i realized i have a lot of issues and im taking them out on him. even though he doesnt know, he somehow is getting the shit end of the stick with me. im not really giving him me. hes getting some weird scared version of me. i dont want that. i want to give him the melissa that i am, but i somehow dont know how to. he makes me feel weird sometimes, like tonight i told him my cancun story, which most people think is prety funny that i had to be wheelchaired into the hotel from my dad, but the whole time i was talking to him i felt like he was judging me, or didnt think it was interesting nor funny. i was so self councsious the whole time, that i even got all weird while telling it. is it me? do i think hes not into it? or is he really not into it? he does have a weird way of showing his emotions. i just dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know!

we are in venus retrograde, and its told that this a time we bring up old relationship hurts, and issues that never were addressed, so maybe its my time to deal with this shit. but the thing is i thought i was dealing with it, but i guess i havent really had anyone who i wanted to deal with these issues for. i want him to be my boyfriend. i want to kiss him, and go on dates, and be cute openly. i want to fall in love with him and be happy and cook dinner together and sit on the couch while he reads his books, and i do my art or watch tv. i just can see us having a happy life together in so many ways, and in others i cant see it at all. we are very differernt and in different places in our lives. but whatever the universe wants is what ill go with. i need to keep trusting in myself and the universe, kinda like my thesis idea. trust is the big word here. TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST is mega important. trust yourself,and your guides and your life path. thats what im trying to do.

on a lighter note, i decided for lent i would keep myself up to date with the things going on in the world, and i have been kind of. ive been listening to npr more often, but i realized im not really listening while i am listening to it. i am thinking about a million other things, which is whats been going on so much. my brain is on overdrive. super overdrive, i dont know how to stop it either. i have been trying to, but maybe not hard enough. like nikole said to me, there has to be a point where we start doing things, rather than just thinking about them. i keep putting things off saying when its time, but what if the time never comes? i need to start doing these things i dream about. i have great ideas, all the time. i never do shit with them. fuck. ok i gotta go to bed peace yo

someday you'll feel love

im starting to lose that love and feeling again with this one. its been really hard for me to try to take it slow. i do though, i feel ive been doing a really good job. the only bummer is that hes so fucking hard to read. i cant tell whats going on. either way im convinced there is no way to get from point a to point b. how will it ever happen? i guess if its meant to be it will, but i decided to stop being so available again. i would write back quickly and call back, no more nope. im gonna be elusive and less around. i know we are supposed to be going slow, but its hard to guess whats right and wrong. this is so hard for me because ive never done it before. ive never just talked to a dude without sex being somewhere in the equation. its good though, it really is. i feel positive about this difference, i think if and when we have sex it will mean so much more. if we ever make it to that point.

a lot of this stuff is my own insecurity. i never really had a dude who liked me right out and said it besides dominic. but that doesnt count fully because we just went out, there was no time before, we just went for it and it lasted 5 years. everyone else i had to follow around or beg for attention. so i guess i get scared. the thing is when i talk to him i feel so happy and siked and on cloud 9, but the next day is when i start to bug out again, which totally makes me think this is all in my head. the situation with the roommate is a bit outta hand though. she totally likes him, and hes either clueless or doesnt care, or fucks her. i have to trust that he doesnt fuck her. he doesnt seem like the full out player type of dude. i doubt he would be able to go out on dates and fuck other women and still call me and be all cute. but hey crazier things have happened right? i knew that my next relationship was gonna be a tough one. there is no doubt that im gonna go through some weird wild emotions with the next dude i go out with because i got mad issues with it! oh my god i just realized its another one of my phases to complete myself!!! im still going through the outward phase of how i project myself and how people see me, but this is one of the last pieces!! being able to be loved!