someday you'll feel love

im starting to lose that love and feeling again with this one. its been really hard for me to try to take it slow. i do though, i feel ive been doing a really good job. the only bummer is that hes so fucking hard to read. i cant tell whats going on. either way im convinced there is no way to get from point a to point b. how will it ever happen? i guess if its meant to be it will, but i decided to stop being so available again. i would write back quickly and call back, no more nope. im gonna be elusive and less around. i know we are supposed to be going slow, but its hard to guess whats right and wrong. this is so hard for me because ive never done it before. ive never just talked to a dude without sex being somewhere in the equation. its good though, it really is. i feel positive about this difference, i think if and when we have sex it will mean so much more. if we ever make it to that point.

a lot of this stuff is my own insecurity. i never really had a dude who liked me right out and said it besides dominic. but that doesnt count fully because we just went out, there was no time before, we just went for it and it lasted 5 years. everyone else i had to follow around or beg for attention. so i guess i get scared. the thing is when i talk to him i feel so happy and siked and on cloud 9, but the next day is when i start to bug out again, which totally makes me think this is all in my head. the situation with the roommate is a bit outta hand though. she totally likes him, and hes either clueless or doesnt care, or fucks her. i have to trust that he doesnt fuck her. he doesnt seem like the full out player type of dude. i doubt he would be able to go out on dates and fuck other women and still call me and be all cute. but hey crazier things have happened right? i knew that my next relationship was gonna be a tough one. there is no doubt that im gonna go through some weird wild emotions with the next dude i go out with because i got mad issues with it! oh my god i just realized its another one of my phases to complete myself!!! im still going through the outward phase of how i project myself and how people see me, but this is one of the last pieces!! being able to be loved!