desperado..why dont you come to your senses?

i cant tell if im going crazy or not from lack of sex. is my mind making me think i need to do certain things so i can eventually get laid again? am i making decisions based on the proper thing? am i really supposed to move to los angeles? is that for real? i dont understand myself these days. i dont know what im supposed to do anymore, but i just feel stuck. the picture i get is me stuck in these clothes that are too tight for me, and im trying to get them off, but they are stuck on me. i took it as a metaphor for where im living and my current situation. but what if im wrong? what if i am actually making the best life for myself here, wait no fucking way. not a change. jesus christ i feel like a fucking skitz freak right now. im arguing with myself on a blog.

when i think of this place, so much good thoughts come, flooded with bad..when i think of living in la, it seems like it will all be good but i think im looking at it with rose colored glasses. im just so desperate to get out of here, im not really thinking of things. crime is one big thing. hollywood aint a good neighborhood..but then i think, well you lived in south philly in not a good neighborhood and you were fine. but right now i live where there is not even a chance of bad shit happening, i live in the middle of nowhere, but then i think im just overly protecting myself by thinking that. i do have a life up here, and i keep saying i dont, but i totally do. it may not be the life, i think i want, but its a life. i have friends, i have routines, i have jobs, i have family. the only thing missing is a boyfriend, and i wonder if i think that if i move i will have that part too, but will i have the rest? i guess i will but not in the same way, but then again nothing is ever the same. things are always different everywhere you go, even if you have the same scenario, there is no way for it to be exactly the same. i guess im scared of that change. what if i cant make it there, what if i dont fit in, what if i make bad decisions again? what if i do fall in love with someone who i shouldnt. i cant go down that road again, no way. but there is something pulling me there so badly and i just dont know if its because im dying for sex and a change, and some real connection to my past self. but my past self is me still. in some way. i feel like im losing the old me too much or something. maybe thats it. maybe im clinging onto this because its a piece of my other life but in this life. but it would be same in many ways, i could never change anyone. i can only change myself, which i totally have, but why do these thoughts still consume me? why do i need to feel like that? am i going through my 30 year old crisis?

but why not just jump in head first? why not give it a shot? i have the means to do so, i mean i will have the means to do so soon enough. i can totally just move without a thought, and im kinda not happy about that. i can leave places and feel like i have nothing holding me back, which is partially true. i dont have kids or a family, i just have me and sofia. but i can leave places and be okay with it always. ive done it so many times, when is it not going to be okay? when am i going to feel like i dont have to keep rambling on? because i totally am a rambler! i leave when i cant deal anymore, and i never let anyone in. im like that song desperado, the worst thing a person can be. when i heard that story about kurt and his friend, and how that song reminds him of her, i really think its me too. ive been out riding fences for too long now. the scariest part is "you better let somebody love you" its true for me. im really her. freedom, well thats just some people talking.

crap. i have deep shit going on still. im glad i smoked weed tonight, i wasnt going to because its monday, but i really felt like i should. i felt like i did my work for the day, and am doing more work tomorrow to further myself, that it was gonna be okay if i did. and this is why. it let my brain open up and let this shit out for this blog. i guess i just needed an outlet that i didnt really know i needed. i have been feeling down lately, but unsure why. thought it was from not smoking, or just coming back from LA but its not. ive been home for a while now, and i feel like i just left yesterday. im not back in my humboldt selt, and not sure i ever really will again.