fuckkkkkk

so i had the worst night i could imagine.

i went on a date with you know who, it was awesome, we went and got a few drinks and then we were flirting pretty bad, he seemed real into me.. we had a couple drinks, then went somewhere else to get food, and i ate and while i ate we talked, and he was telling me that he wasnt allowed to date me etc, and i kept telling him thats not an ultimatam, its a threat then he told me that he wasnt ready. that was that. he wasnt ready, i didnt even know how to react to that, because i was uber honest with him and told him that i thought if we kissed tongiht it would answer a lot of shit because it would tell us if there was something there, but he wasnt ready to kiss me yet. why the fuck not???? not ready to kiss? what the fuck. so then after that he acted all weird, and was like lets just go, and i went with it, because he was no longer paying attention to me and i asked him what was up and he said nothing, i kept being like yo come back, you totally left whats up. nothing. we walked out and i was like yo seriously whats going on?? and he was like nothing, and i went yo i know your not tired its like 10 a clock and he couldnt answer, it was super weird and i left him at his car..then i fucking lost it. i freaked the fuck out and called one of my eagles buddies. i went to his house and on the way i had to pee super bad, so i pulled over and pee'd on the side of the road, while peeing a cop drove by and shined his light on me, i quickly got up and jumped in the car and spead to his house, i knew the cop was follwing me, but i knew i had a couple drinks and couldnt deal with a cop, so i flew to his house. i wanted to do drugs super bad and i knew he would have some, so i totally did it. i did a few. i felt like uber shit about myself, but i couldnt help it, i was so upset, so hurt i just needed to do drugs. i also smoked a ciggy. it was horrible. i went to the bar and i was so fucked up i hated every second of it, i had a glass of water and i decided to go home. i drove home super safe, paying attention to what i was doing 100 percent, but im so bummed soooo bummmmmmeeedddddddddddddd fuck fuck fuck.

i hate this bullshit. what the fuck? yo seriously, are you gonna do that to me? we live super far apart, and your gonna not be ready? i told him i wasnt really ready either but it was cool cause we lived so far apart. i guess it wasnt enough. i was super myself, i was totally honest and just me. and it wasnt good enough. will it ever be?